As a parent, if there is one thing I have always made a conscious effort to avoid, it is mommy groups. Right at the outset they would make me twitch and I could never understand why, because I’m pretty okay socially and enjoy hanging out as much as the next person does.
But, mommy groups, man, I don’t know… I’ve gotten sucked into a few and
thank the heavens sadly have never lasted longer than the second and (if I really pushed myself) the third ‘meet up.’ Of course, the problem has never been the groups themselves, it’s always been me, and while I have made the occasional ‘mom friend’ from one or two of those groups, I’m still mostly the misfit, the outsider, the one who causes whispers of ‘Who the hell invited this idiot woman to the group?’
I cannot blame anyone for that, because when you’re like me you really can’t okay? Your issues are just too big and essentially you’re a disgrace.
Now, here in Pakistan (South Asia?) almost all of these mom groups are based on the ones in the west, and while there is nothing wrong with that, I still sometimes like to call them the “Brown Mommies See, Brown Mommies Must Must Do” clubs, mainly because they become such a remarkable mix of Desi Elite meets The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I’m a bitch.
Reasons I Don’t Fit in Mommy Groups
1. I’m the Mom who doesn’t ‘get’ the 11:30 am Coffee Morning Meet up
Shouldn’t it be just called an “early lunch” meet up and nothing else, and especially if practically everyone is going to order salads and sandwiches and green tea? Also, why defame coffee like this? What has coffee ever done to mothers except save us from killing our own offspring?
2. I’m the Mom who turns up a little late and not because I was at the Salon
Really, it happens everytime. I keep telling myself that every Mom there will be Salon fresh, or The Body Shop Refreshed, and so I give myself a solid twenty minutes to get ready and leave the house, but then an avalanche of things descend on me (usually in the bathroom) and I end up rushing out after cursing loudly and clipping my hair up into a somewhat decent but messy twist-bun type thing and arrive there all “Sorry I’m late, but my husband totally fucked with my super OCD organized bathroom shelf because he’s a dick” and then that awkward moment of silence takes place and I know it’s the last time I’ll ever be invited to pre-lunch green tea gatherings.
3. I’m the Mom who doesn’t have maid/nanny issues
If I could just turn up at Mom Groups and say something like “Sorry I’m late, but my cook took ANOTHER day off this year, and the maid who sweeps and mops wasn’t feeling too well AGAIN, which just RUINED my morning because then I had to supervise her sister and that girl is just so LAZY, I don’t even know WHY I employ them both, but whattodo, we need them as much as they need us hahahaha.” I’d be set. But, see the problem is I don’t have several maids and cooks and butlers and all that. I don’t know, it’s weird and my husband keeps telling me I should, but then again, I support ridiculous causes like ‘What kind of asshole employes children to look after children?’ or ‘No, 16 is not ‘old enough’ to work as a full-time, live in maid with maybe a couple of days off every month, you fucking douchebag’
4. I’m the Mom who doesn’t have MIL problems
This in Pakistan is a mortal sin punishable by silent scourging if you don’t, because every married woman does and her MIL is much worse than yours. But, there you have it, my husband the ass who gave me this MIL-less life and totally ruined my chances for a Mommy club membership. So, this one’s on him.
And, because I don’t have MIL problems…
5. I’m the Mom who doesn’t have much tolerance for incessant “My MIL is SUCH a bitch” rants
I mean, I will listen to the occasional ones, sometimes I even sympathize, but when it gets to a point that some woman’s poor MIL begins to resemble Godzilla-meets-Hulk-meets-Jabba the Hutt (which is mostly) in my head, then we have a problem (which is always,) and either I completely tune out by loudly calling “Waiter! One double shot espresso, please. STAT!” or I say something stupid like “Why in the hell do you keep ranting about that woman? It’s your husband’s fault she lives under your bed, not hers. Why does he still need this attachment parenting?”
And, speaking of attachment parenting…
6. I’m the Mom who doesn’t give a fuck what or how you fed/feed your child
Whether breast is best or formula is fine, organic is the ONLY option or Mickey D’s nuggets make your life easy, I just do.not.give.a.shit.
7. I’m the Mom who doesn’t do the body image thing
There are some Moms who claim they’ve neglected themselves and can’t stand it anymore and hate all skinny people but still want to look like them but oh this cake is soooo good. Then there are the ones who only eat spinach, hit the gym six days a week because ‘moms CAN, if only they stop being lazy and TRY’ and frankly all of them together just out muffin-topping each other can get exhausting… for me. At that time, I’m never sure if I should order a double cheese burger and a large plate of fries, or jump up from my seat and attempt to demonstrate some Pilates moves from a class I never attended.
8. I’m the Mom who snorts coffee out of her nose and embarrasses the group during moments of ‘sharing’ and bonding
*snort* *gasp* *cough* *choke* “WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE NEVER GOES DOWN ON YOU? Does he always have a cold? Has he gotten that checked? What does he do when he’s not being a dickwad?”
You say shit like that to a green tea mommy and your social life is dead, people. DEAD! Apparently, it’s supposed to be the time you sympathize and give sound advice like “do this, try that, wax better, eat fruit, be patient, have a lesbian affair” and other stuff I have no idea about and cannot bring myself to say with coffee trickling out of my nose.
9. I’m the Mom who swears and cusses people out and does not understand Holier than Thou Sanctimommyness
I say ‘Bullshit’ a lot. I also say things like ‘fuck,’ ‘mother fucking hell,’ ‘what in the name of fuck?’ and other fuck phrases. – It’s a big ‘No-No” and once caused a fellow Mom to ask me if I was “flipping drunk,” to which I said something along the lines of… Wait, let me see if I can remember… Oh yes, it was “Fuck you and your fucking flipping, you fucking green tea bag.”
I miss that group. Sometimes.
10. I’m the Mom who doesn’t WhatsApp group chat so I can talk more about everything we’ve already talked about at the
green tea coffee mornings
I honestly cannot do that because are they fucking nuts?
So, there it is, 10 out of probably a billion reasons I’m a Mommy Group outcast. I’m really pathetic.
It’s hard being a Mom. Now, pass the tequila and let’s make some margaritas.