10 Reasons I Don’t Fit in Mommy Groups

As a parent, if there is one thing I have always made a conscious effort to avoid, it is mommy groups. Right at the outset they would make me twitch and I could never understand why, because I’m pretty okay socially and enjoy hanging out as much as the next person does.

But, mommy groups, man, I don’t know… I’ve gotten sucked into a few and thank the heavens sadly have never lasted longer than the second and (if I really pushed myself) the third ‘meet up.’ Of course, the problem has never been the groups themselves, it’s always been me, and while I have made the occasional ‘mom friend’ from one or two of those groups, I’m still mostly the misfit, the outsider, the one who causes whispers of ‘Who the hell invited this idiot woman to the group?’

I cannot blame anyone for that, because when you’re like me you really can’t okay? Your issues are just too big and essentially you’re a disgrace.

Now, here in Pakistan (South Asia?) almost all of these mom groups are based on the ones in the west,  and while there is nothing wrong with that, I still sometimes like to call them the “Brown Mommies See, Brown Mommies Must Must Do” clubs, mainly because they become such a remarkable mix of Desi Elite meets The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I’m a bitch.

Reasons I Don’t Fit in Mommy Groups

 

1. I’m the Mom who doesn’t ‘get’ the 11:30 am Coffee Morning Meet up

Shouldn’t it be just called an “early lunch” meet up and nothing else, and especially if practically everyone is going to order salads and sandwiches and green tea?  Also, why defame coffee like this? What has coffee ever done to mothers except save us from killing our own offspring?

2. I’m the Mom who turns up a little late and not because I was at the Salon

Really, it happens everytime. I keep telling myself that every Mom there will be Salon fresh, or The Body Shop Refreshed, and so I give myself a solid twenty minutes to get ready and leave the house, but then an avalanche of things descend on me (usually in the bathroom) and I end up rushing out after cursing loudly and clipping my hair up into a somewhat decent but messy twist-bun type thing and arrive there all “Sorry I’m late, but my husband totally fucked with my super OCD organized bathroom shelf because he’s a dick” and then that awkward moment of silence takes place and I know it’s the last time I’ll ever be invited to pre-lunch green tea gatherings.

3. I’m the Mom who doesn’t have maid/nanny issues

If I could just turn up at Mom Groups and say something like “Sorry I’m late, but my cook took ANOTHER day off this year, and the maid who sweeps and mops wasn’t feeling too well AGAIN, which just RUINED my morning because then I had to supervise her sister and that girl is just so LAZY, I don’t even know WHY I employ them both, but whattodo, we need them as much as they need us hahahaha.” I’d be set. But, see the problem is I don’t have several maids and cooks and butlers and all that. I don’t know, it’s weird and my husband keeps telling me I should, but then again, I support ridiculous causes like ‘What kind of asshole employes children to look after children?’ or ‘No, 16 is not ‘old enough’ to work as a full-time, live in maid with maybe a couple of days off every month, you fucking douchebag’ 

4. I’m the Mom who doesn’t have MIL problems

This in Pakistan is a mortal sin punishable by silent scourging if you don’t, because every married woman does and her MIL is much worse than yours. But, there you have it, my husband the ass who gave me this MIL-less life and totally ruined my chances for a Mommy club membership. So, this one’s on him.

And, because I don’t have MIL problems…

5. I’m the Mom who doesn’t have much tolerance for incessant “My MIL is SUCH a bitch” rants

I mean, I will listen to the occasional ones, sometimes I even sympathize, but when it gets to a point that some woman’s poor MIL begins to resemble Godzilla-meets-Hulk-meets-Jabba the Hutt  (which is mostly) in my head, then we have a problem (which is always,) and either I completely tune out by loudly calling “Waiter! One double shot espresso, please. STAT!” or I say something stupid like “Why in the hell do you keep ranting about that woman? It’s your husband’s fault she lives under your bed, not hers. Why does he still need this attachment parenting?”

And, speaking of attachment parenting…

6. I’m the Mom who doesn’t give a fuck what or how you fed/feed your child

Whether breast is best or formula is fine, organic is the ONLY option or Mickey D’s nuggets make your life easy, I just do.not.give.a.shit.

7. I’m the Mom who doesn’t do the body image thing

There are some Moms who claim they’ve neglected themselves and can’t stand it anymore and hate all skinny people but still want to look like them but oh this cake is soooo good. Then there are the ones who only eat spinach, hit the gym six days a week because ‘moms CAN, if only they stop being lazy and TRY’ and frankly all of them together just out muffin-topping each other can get exhausting… for me. At that time, I’m never sure if I should order a double cheese burger and a large plate of fries, or jump up from my seat and attempt to demonstrate some Pilates moves from a class I never attended.

8. I’m the Mom who snorts coffee out of her nose and embarrasses the group during moments of ‘sharing’ and bonding

*snort* *gasp* *cough* *choke* “WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE NEVER GOES DOWN ON YOU? Does he always have a cold? Has he gotten that checked? What does he do when he’s not being a dickwad?”

You say shit like that to a green tea mommy and your social life is dead, people. DEAD! Apparently, it’s supposed to be the time you sympathize and give sound advice like “do this, try that, wax better, eat fruit, be patient, have a lesbian affair” and other stuff I have no idea about and cannot bring myself to say with coffee trickling out of my nose.

9. I’m the Mom who swears and cusses people out and does not understand Holier than Thou Sanctimommyness

I say ‘Bullshit’ a lot. I also say things like ‘fuck,’ ‘mother fucking hell,’ ‘what in the name of fuck?’ and other fuck phrases. – It’s a big ‘No-No” and once caused a fellow Mom to ask me if I was “flipping drunk,” to which I said something along the lines of… Wait, let me see if I can remember… Oh yes, it was “Fuck you and your fucking flipping, you fucking green tea bag.”

I miss that group. Sometimes.

10. I’m the Mom who doesn’t WhatsApp group chat so I can talk more about everything we’ve already talked about at the green tea coffee mornings

I honestly cannot do that because are they fucking nuts?

So, there it is, 10 out of probably a billion reasons I’m a Mommy Group outcast. I’m really pathetic.

It’s hard being a Mom. Now, pass the tequila and let’s make some margaritas.

-*-

Song – Just because

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48 thoughts on “10 Reasons I Don’t Fit in Mommy Groups

  1. Anne, I totally agree with you. I am the only one who is not in a mommy group in my part of town,(across the bridge).
    I can not do all this crap, and in my part of town there is this thing about Yoga Group, Aerobic and what not. They all go for exercise and then meet up for coffee.

    Also, They are not interested in me as I do not dress up like a starched doll when i go to collect my kids. I am in my usual home attire( which mind you is ironed and not creased).

    Anyways I hate this whatsapp craze. SO basically I am an outcast .

    Lets make our own group for coffee meets.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are too cool for the mommy groups.

    That’s why we are in the leather wearing, single malt drinking, cussing, riding (bikes, horses and other things) and racing hot fast cars while our families cheer from the sidelines group.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. So true if You can’t act & talk like so called ‘Mommy Group’ you are not one of Them.
    The so called Kitty Parties was never my scene.
    Being what You are. Not following these ‘Green tea taking Mommies’
    One tries to outdo the other.
    Gossips. Never did any good.
    Good Luck to these Mommies.
    I do take Green Tea but give a dose of Caffeine anytime.

    Scorpio47 😉

    Like

  4. Hahahaha you’ve had me in splits!! I’m not a mom yet but have seen friends go through the traumatising experience of these groups and come out thinking….WTF! Just why do that to yourself. Anyhoo, we need something to entertain ourselves 😉 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahaha … Anne … you are absolutely hilarious …

    Hate “Mommy groups” and the highly artificial women who
    form them … they are so affected …
    Have never been able to gel with them …
    But living in Delhi you need to keep meeting these so called
    “Mommy’s ” over green tea and salad to keep in touch with
    what’s going on in your child’s life … (who sleep while the maids
    get their kids ready and drop them to school with the driver so
    that their beauty sleep does not get disturbed … )
    Delhi and schools are something else …

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Brilliant Anne. And oh so true.
    I never could be a part of them mommy groups either. Although back in the days when my kids were growing up the mommies were perhaps a little less affected.

    1) Salad and green tea? Whatever happened to eating food at lunch time?
    2) Don’t all husbands take evil pleasure in f—ing with our OCD super organized cupboards, kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms?
    3) Terrible of you not to have servants, Anne!
    4) No MIL problems? Gasp! How remiss of your husband!
    5) Surely you can empathize with your comrades, you heartless woman!
    6) Hahaha. Yep, they gonna grow up and chew on your brains and then eat you out of house and home regardless of whether you choose breast, formula, organic or Mickey D’s…
    7) Body image? Looks fine to me every time i look in the mirror… And I don’t share my fries with anyone. Not even my kids!
    8) Sharing and bonding works better over booze, anyway.
    9) Did you really say that Anne? How terrible. I fuckin’ hate it when people swear.
    10) No, no. Join the whatsapp group and I’ll send you some forwards to “educate” them with 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. haha I swear to god that as ler the things u mentioned here I can never b a part of such groups. I can never. I don’t drink green tea and can’t stand salads. I can’t share my issues other than my friends that too only those I feel really comfortable zharing. So whining abt my to b MIL(if I had one lol). won’t be my thing. But seriously do they really change anything in themselves after these meetings.

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  8. Never been a mom. But have friends who have recently become moms. It’s truly a shocking experience to see the metamorphosis of a cool friend into a flustered mom. I suppose they get into all these mommy groups to understand and gain knowledge about how to manage kids and career but I feel they get all mixed signals and end up totally confused and like idiots. I also think over time, they realize it isn’t worth and come to their practical senses..

    Like

    1. I am not a mom …but i am pretty sure that once you become a mother you never stop even if your kids are geriatrics. As much as I agree that some of these mom groups are completely bonkers there are some that are actually good support groups and women join these for various reasons and not necessarily to learn how to juggle kids and career. When you have a kid your whole world turns upside down even if you have an army of nannies you will still worry and be scared because suddenly you are responsible for this human being and you are terrified you will do something wrong.

      Women seek these groups for many reasons, could be just to cope, escape, get advise, make friends, be un-lonely, learn about parenting etc etc. And the kind of shit you come across is the same as whether you are in a a zumba, yoga, pottery or baking class. I don’t think the mom groups are designed to mess you up but any kind of group can get toxic based on the people who are in it.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. true with geriatrics worries and the same very true about shit being everywhere,group or individual.is just the world being a lovely place to live,to bad is already populated…sorry,i’m not a companionable person.at all.

        Like

    2. I really don’t think it’s the case of someone transforming from cool to flustered. Flustered is for virgin brides on their wedding night. Motherhood is a totally different ballgame. It’s about the responsibility that comes with becoming a parent, and that is not something anyone is familiar with till they don’t experience it themselves. That first experience can be daunting. No soon to be parent is given any kind of handbook on how to be a parent, so everyone enters into parenthood pretty clueless, and every year after that is just another learning experience. And, for that first time, it takes everyone time to adjust, which might make them seem a bit uncool to those on the outside, but I know for a fact that it does not matter to them. Your child is more important than someone’s opinion of you, be they friend or a stranger on the street.

      This post wasn’t a slam against motherhood in any way. It was more a tongue in cheek look at a very small part of just one of the social dynamics attached to it in this day and age. More a ‘how it can be in xyz setting’ rather than ‘why they do mommy groups’

      I’m not sure what you meant by coming to their practical senses, but I feel support is very much worth it for more or less any phase of life and especially motherhood. It is not and should not be considered a solitary journey.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I am so sorry for the wrong choice of words which made my comment interpreted in a wrong way. I didn’t mean to offend anyone or motherhood. Being a parent and raising a child is no small task.I understand that. The changes which life undergoes when a child comes into life is challenging and I respect the parents who brave those challenges and makes life more meaningful and beautiful.

        Like

  9. Loved it … Hilarious but soooo true … Ive attended a couple of such groups whn my kids wr n kindergarden … It was bad thn n believe me its worse now … Nt just the mil bitching but the way u flaunt ur designer bags , outfits n shoes … Its more a fasion parade than a normal coffee mrng … N whn u reach thr n ur tracks u actually wonder why u r here … U thot it was coffee but its soooo far frm tht … Just loved the way uve penned it down …

    Like

  10. Love the post. I have always been a misfit too….we really need to form our own outcast mothers group who actually meets for coffee and drinks coffee.

    I am also uncomfortable with the whole maid concept in India when I visit friends and family there because a lot of the maids are children …

    Like

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