“I want someone who will accept me for who I am. Flaws and all.”
Almost everyone can claim to have either uttered those words, or heard them from one or more people they know. It is, I feel one of the major requirements today for people looking to enter into a relationship/marriage, or already in one.
It’s a strong statement, and probably stems from an equally strong need.
Just recently, I came across a twenty something woman speaking along those lines, both in person as well as via her Facebook status bar. It was common knowledge that her relationship with a man she had been dating for over a year, had abruptly ended not long ago.
Her status read:
“If you can’t accept me for who I am, flaws and all. Then, you’re not the one for me.”
There were well over a hundred and something replies to that, and all from well wishers/friends, and family. A woman not being accepted for who and what she is, flaws and all, and by the man who had spent an entire year and more with her, deserved the agreement and support she received. In a relationship, there is nothing worse than not being accepted fully by the other. It is what makes or breaks the bond you share, what does or does not keep you together, it defines your union, powers your mutual respect, paves the way for a stronger and more fulfilling life together. Complete acceptance of the other is key in a relationship.
Or is it?
When I read that status, it reminded me of certain romance stories I’ve come across, and in particular a scene or two which would read something like this:
She turned away from her reflection in the mirror, and her silken hair flowed over her shoulders. She took a step and stopped. He had entered the room unnoticed and was standing just feet away from her. She watched his eyes move upwards over her new dress, to the gentle curve of her neck, grazing over her satin smooth skin, her pale porcelain face, her luscious red lips. His eyes darkened with desire, and she felt her heart flutter. She smiled, and her eyes filled with love. He turned abruptly and walked out of the room. She stared at the empty doorway in shock. Jerk! He’d done it again.
If you’re now wondering how this scene could possibly relate to the status I mentioned before, I’ll explain that in a minute. But, first let’s break that scene down a little bit.
For one thing, I made it up. However, it serves as a good enough example for similar scenes I’ve read from time to time in books, and you’ve probably done the same too. The hero and heroine… and all that attraction and those mad emotional tug of wars! *sigh*
Secondly, and as you’ve most likely noticed, the scene is written from a female character’s point of view, which means she is experiencing what is happening right then in the story, right down to when the male character enters the room and begins oogling her. She then proceeds to describe the oogling as how she experiences it, not how he sees it. She has no idea what he’s thinking.
So, what’s wrong with the scene?
To begin with, the female character is definitely smug, egotistical and so full of herself, it’s a wonder that mirror didn’t shatter at her feet in gratitude. Not to mention the male character. (I mean, how he just stood there basking in all her splendour without turning to mush is just incredible! Although, I suspect it’s why he ran away. He knew her beauty would turn him to goo.)
Silken hair, gently curved neck, satin smooth skin, porce-overused fucking cliche-lain face, and luscious lips?
Really!! Who describes themselves that way? How many of us have actually watched a guy eyeing us and thought “Ohhhh he’s looking at my luscious lips. Now I should smile so he can see my perfect toothpaste ad model teeth”?
People don’t do that. Characters in stories shouldn’t either, because it makes them look and sound idiotic. Unless of course, they really are full of themselves and their love interest digs big fat egos. Then it’s okay.
So, the status reminded me of such scenes. All that ego looking for acceptance, and pissed off when they don’t get it.
“Accept me for who I am. Flaws and all.”
And, here’s a small example of some of the flaws I have…
1. I am clearly one of those people who will always take our relationship disputes to world famous social networking sites.
2. I will also blame you for everything and take no personal responsibility should we ever fight/argue/temporarily break up.
3. I will moan and groan and lap up all the support I get, and read with glee when my friends tell me I’m better than you are, and that I deserve better than pathetic old you.
4. And, hey you’re getting to see exactly what they’re all saying because (hehehehe) I never un-friended you, and I know you’re reading my
passive aggressive kick-ass status.
Suck on that you intolerant jerk! I’m awesome, but you’ll never know how much because you never accepted me for who I am.
I think this is becoming a large part of many failed relationships, as well as the reason more and more people are not entering relationships to begin with. There is a need for acceptance which is disturbing, mainly because it seems to be turning into a demand from individuals.
I will go so far as to say I’ve personally witnessed this more in females than males. More and more I see it being mentioned in the same breath as relationships, what women today expect, want, desire in and from either the objects of their affection, or before they even find their objects. Sadly, from what I’ve seen, the more it is said, the more ego-driven it seems to be becoming.
Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting much of you to be accepted by another, but surely that cannot be the entire basis of a relationship? Nor can it be the goal in one.
Expecting someone to just accept you as you are is a bit lazy I think, and also a little self-entitled. Insisting they take you on, flaws and all and just live with it because hey that’s who you are is… Bullshit. Why in the world should anyone accept anyone’s crap? Don’t these women want to be better? Try harder to be better? Snap the fuck out of their nonsense if it’s destroying their relationships?
By that logic, is it supposed to work the other way around as well? Are women ready and willing to just accept their man’s flaws? Really?
Is that the way it’s supposed to be?
Relationships are supposed to be about togetherness, and trust, and growth. They’re supposed to bring out the best in you, and alot of times drive out the worst. Not hold firm to the worst with a half assed promise of the best soothing the worst’s effects.
When you’re in a relationship you move forward, you do not stagnate, and, holding on to your flaws is stagnating. Demanding the other person accept that is downright selfish and even mean. It is also not acceptable.
Are people (and in this case women) today really entering relationships thinking this is how it has to be? Are they out there thinking “I’m perfect because I say so, and even if I’m not, I want that guy and that guy or that guy to accept me, because they HAVE to, or they’re not worth my affections”?
Really darling? Your affections can more than make up for all your bullshit flaws you’re too lazy to change a little? – I doubt that.
Reminds me of those kids I occasionally come across in grocery stores, running all over the place and grabbing stuff off the shelves screaming “I want! I want! I want! I want an iphonnne!!!!” when they’re actually just five years old and certainly not ready for anything more than a play phone, or maybe some swift discipline.
And, worse, their harried parent sadly explaining to the clerk how his/her precious little snowflake is just overly anxious today, then proceeding to approach said precious little snowflake with a whining
“Please Snowflake, please don’t pull down all those jam jars. Be a good Snowflake and Mommy/Daddy will buy you an iphone as soon as we get out of here. In only five minutes. Promise.”
If you think I’m one of those snot nosed mothers whose snowflakes don’t tear stuff off grocery store shelves, you’re right.
Because, I have children, not delicate and precious snowflakes who if they behave like ill mannered little brats, get rewarded for it.
Wanting anything, and especially acceptance when you yourself can’t be bothered to strive harder to be better, is really quite horrible, and unless you find yourself a nice pushover, you won’t really be happy.
I cannot tell you how often I come across women who under some preconceived notion of feminism, are choosing this path when it comes to relationships and marriage partners. It bothers me to see it happening, because this is not feminism. Sorry, darlings, but it’s really not.
Being a bitch and expecting a guy to grovel at your feet is not being a feminist. It’s being a bitch. Just like him slapping you around and then expecting make-up sex would make him an asshole.
And, I’m not saying we need to abandon everything and just strive for perfection in ourselves either. This is about striving for betterment. And, who doesn’t want to do that for themselves, or maybe help the ones they love do it for themselves?
In all the years I’ve been married, I don’t recall any major personal flaws which threatened our relationship getting overlooked, or “accepted” by either of us. My husband did not ever say “You’re being such a total bitch about this as usual, but that’s okay because I love you and accept you flaws and all.” – And, I certainly don’t recall telling him it was okay if something he did was because some flaw in him made him do it, or just silently accepting it because hey, you know, I kind of signed up for that when I married my Mr. Not So Right but Right Enough for Me guy.
Accepting the other “flaws and all” while they do the same for you is not par for the course in a healthy relationship. It’s a fucking cop out, and it’s actually quite annoying seeing many relationships ending simply because individuals are not taking responsibility for themselves.
If someone does not accept any part of us and all of the goodness we hold inside, then fine, we have something to stand up for. But, if it is our “flaws” that aren’t being accepted and that pisses us off, then maybe it’s time to ask ourselves if we’re being fair to the people we want/have in our lives.
And, more importantly, if those flaws we’re holding onto are really worth keeping.