Anne, Eight in the Morning

Flaws and All

“I want someone who will accept me for who I am. Flaws and all.”

Almost everyone can claim to have either uttered those words, or heard them from one or more people they know. It is, I feel one of the major requirements today for people looking to enter into a relationship/marriage, or already in one.

It’s a strong statement, and probably stems from an equally strong need.

Just recently, I came across a twenty something woman speaking along those lines, both in person as well as via her Facebook status bar. It was common knowledge that her relationship with a man she had been dating for over a year, had abruptly ended not long ago.

Her status read:

“If you can’t accept me for who I am, flaws and all. Then, you’re not the one for me.”

There were well over a hundred and something replies to that, and all from well wishers/friends, and family. A woman not being accepted for who and what she is, flaws and all, and by the man who had spent an entire year and more with her, deserved the agreement and support she received. In a relationship, there is nothing worse than not being accepted fully by the other. It is what makes or breaks the bond you share, what does or does not keep you together, it defines your union, powers your mutual respect, paves the way for a stronger and more fulfilling life together. Complete acceptance of the other is key in a relationship.

Or is it?

When I read that status, it reminded me of certain romance stories I’ve come across, and in particular a scene or two which would read something like this:

She turned away from her reflection in the mirror, and her silken hair flowed over her shoulders. She took a step and stopped. He had entered the room unnoticed and was standing just feet away from her. She watched his eyes move upwards over her new dress, to the gentle curve of her neck, grazing over her satin smooth skin, her pale porcelain face, her luscious red lips. His eyes darkened with desire, and she felt her heart flutter. She smiled, and her eyes filled with love. He turned abruptly and walked out of the room. She stared at the empty doorway in shock. Jerk! He’d done it again.

If you’re now wondering how this scene could possibly relate to the status I mentioned before, I’ll explain that in a minute. But, first let’s break that scene down a little bit.

For one thing, I made it up. However, it serves as a good enough example for similar scenes I’ve read from time to time in books, and you’ve probably done the same too. The hero and heroine… and all that attraction and those mad emotional tug of wars! *sigh*

Secondly, and as you’ve most likely noticed, the scene is written from a female character’s point of view, which means she is experiencing what is happening right then in the story, right down to when the male character enters the room and begins oogling her. She then proceeds to describe the oogling as how she experiences it, not how he sees it. She has no idea what he’s thinking.

So, what’s wrong with the scene?

To begin with, the female character is definitely smug, egotistical and so full of herself, it’s a wonder that mirror didn’t shatter at her feet in gratitude. Not to mention the male character. (I mean, how he just stood there basking in all her splendour without turning to mush is just incredible! Although, I suspect it’s why he ran away. He knew her beauty would turn him to goo.)

Silken hair, gently curved neck, satin smooth skin, porce-overused fucking cliche-lain face, and luscious lips?

Really!! Who describes themselves that way? How many of us have actually watched a guy eyeing us and thought “Ohhhh he’s looking at my luscious lips. Now I should smile so he can see my perfect toothpaste ad model teeth”?

People don’t do that. Characters in stories shouldn’t either, because it makes them look and sound idiotic. Unless of course, they really are full of themselves and their love interest digs big fat egos. Then it’s okay.

So, the status reminded me of such scenes. All that ego looking for acceptance, and pissed off when they don’t get it.

“Accept me for who I am. Flaws and all.”

And, here’s a small example of some of the flaws I have…

1. I am clearly one of those people who will always take our relationship disputes to world famous social networking sites.

2. I will also blame you for everything and take no personal responsibility should we ever fight/argue/temporarily break up.

3. I will moan and groan and lap up all the support I get, and read with glee when my friends tell me I’m better than you are, and that I deserve better than pathetic old you.

4. And, hey you’re getting to see exactly what they’re all saying because (hehehehe) I never un-friended you, and I know you’re reading my passive aggressive kick-ass status.

Suck on that you intolerant jerk! I’m awesome, but you’ll never know how much because you never accepted me for who I am.

I think this is becoming a large part of many failed relationships, as well as the reason more and more people are not entering relationships to begin with. There is a need for acceptance which is disturbing, mainly because it seems to be turning into a demand from individuals.

I will go so far as to say I’ve personally witnessed this more in females than males. More and more I see it being mentioned in the same breath as relationships, what women today expect, want, desire in and from either the objects of their affection, or before they even find their objects. Sadly, from what I’ve seen, the more it is said, the more ego-driven it seems to be becoming.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting much of you to be accepted by another, but surely that cannot be the entire basis of a relationship? Nor can it be the goal in one.

Expecting someone to just accept you as you are is a bit lazy I think, and also a little self-entitled. Insisting they take you on, flaws and all and just live with it because hey that’s who you are is… Bullshit. Why in the world should anyone accept anyone’s crap? Don’t these women want to be better? Try harder to be better? Snap the fuck out of their nonsense if it’s destroying their relationships?

By that logic, is it supposed to work the other way around as well? Are women ready and willing to just accept their man’s flaws? Really?

Is that the way it’s supposed to be?

No.

Hell no!

Relationships are supposed to be about togetherness, and trust, and growth. They’re supposed to bring out the best in you, and alot of times drive out the worst. Not hold firm to the worst with a half assed promise of the best soothing the worst’s effects.

When you’re in a relationship you move forward, you do not stagnate, and, holding on to your flaws is stagnating. Demanding the other person accept that is downright selfish and even mean. It is also not acceptable.

Are people (and in this case women) today really entering relationships thinking this is how it has to be? Are they out there thinking “I’m perfect because I say so, and even if I’m not, I want that guy and that guy or that guy to accept me, because they HAVE to, or they’re not worth my affections”?

Really darling? Your affections can more than make up for all your bullshit flaws you’re too lazy to change a little? – I doubt that.

Reminds me of those kids I occasionally come across in grocery stores, running all over the place and grabbing stuff off the shelves screaming “I want! I want! I want! I want an iphonnne!!!!” when they’re actually just five years old and certainly not ready for anything more than a play phone, or maybe some swift discipline.

And, worse, their harried parent sadly explaining to the clerk how his/her precious little snowflake is just overly anxious today, then proceeding to approach said precious little snowflake with a whining

“Please Snowflake, please don’t pull down all those jam jars. Be a good Snowflake and Mommy/Daddy will buy you an iphone as soon as we get out of here. In only five minutes. Promise.”

If you think I’m one of those snot nosed mothers whose snowflakes don’t tear stuff off grocery store shelves, you’re right.

Because, I have children, not delicate and precious snowflakes who if they behave like ill mannered little brats, get rewarded for it.

Wanting anything, and especially acceptance when you yourself can’t be bothered to strive harder to be better, is really quite horrible, and unless you find yourself a nice pushover, you won’t really be happy.

I cannot tell you how often I come across women who under some preconceived notion of feminism, are choosing this path when it comes to relationships and marriage partners. It bothers me to see it happening, because this is not feminism. Sorry, darlings, but it’s really not.

Being a bitch and expecting a guy to grovel at your feet is not being a feminist. It’s being a bitch. Just like him slapping you around and then expecting make-up sex would make him an asshole.

And, I’m not saying we need to abandon everything and just strive for perfection in ourselves either. This is about striving for betterment. And, who doesn’t want to do that for themselves, or maybe help the ones they love do it for themselves?

In all the years I’ve been married, I don’t recall any major personal flaws which threatened our relationship getting overlooked, or “accepted” by either of us. My husband did not ever say “You’re being such a total bitch about this as usual, but that’s okay because I love you and accept you flaws and all.” – And, I certainly don’t recall telling him it was okay if something he did was because some flaw in him made him do it, or just silently accepting it because hey, you know, I kind of signed up for that when I married my Mr. Not So Right but Right Enough for Me guy.

Accepting the other “flaws and all” while they do the same for you is not par for the course in a healthy relationship. It’s a fucking cop out, and it’s actually quite annoying seeing many relationships ending simply because individuals are not taking responsibility for themselves.

If someone does not accept any part of us and all of the goodness we hold inside, then fine, we have something to stand up for. But, if it is our “flaws” that aren’t being accepted and that pisses us off, then maybe it’s time to ask ourselves if we’re being fair to the people we want/have in our lives.

And, more importantly, if those flaws we’re holding onto are really worth keeping.

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19 thoughts on “Flaws and All”

  1. One of the lines that I often see the female population (I am not against us, seriously, but…) posting on social networking sites are something along the lines of ” La di la di la… love me or leave me”.

    I cannot explain how much I dislike (hate beyond hate) this line. And this reminds me of your whole post on “accept my flaws, etc.”.

    While I admit, it is a nice feeling to be “spoiled” in a relationship, and girls do need the, how should I put it, all the “love” and pampering and what not, there is a limit to it. The “it” being these expectations, and these expectations exist because one feels that they deserve everything, since they are much better than their partner. Not only amongst family and friends, I see this everywhere. On campus, malls, parks, everywhere. While I don’t know what has happened, but the guy is always “babe-ing” the girl, trying to make up to them. It’s the girl with the folded arms standing there making a face. I don’t know if this makes sense, but it reminds me of this whole “ego” thing.

    Back to the love me or leave me, and this whole accept my flaws, I completely agree with why not fix yourself up if these flaws do exist, right?

    “Oh sorry, I don’t brush my teeth properly, but you’re going to have to accept this as it is or we’re done”.

    Okay bad example, but I hope I made the point clear.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think people romanticize the idea of a relationship a little bit too much. I mean, sure, throw in the fair share of romance and excitement and mushy whatevers that you both are into, but I also feel like the relationship should help you both grow and become better as individuals.

    I’m too much of a noob in this area to really talk much about it but if I ever choose to give up on the current possibility of living the fabulous life of a crazy cat lady in the country side, I hope its because I’m in a relationship where there’s love but also compromise where needed. Future Anu also better not display the whole course of the relationship in dramatic facebook statuses because god knows it pisses me off when people do it. It’s adorable up to an extent but some things just need to be kept between two people.

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  3. I don’t know about others but you are seriously ruining my love life, Queen A, if you are going to be so super awesome , how in the world I am going to resist this love-sick feeling? Chalo, for now , my soul loves you , truly and beyond.

    This little truth you served us here is something that we are running way from.Using feminism as an invisibility cloak , we very conveniently neglect our own realities, flaws and truth while blaming others for our own self-cultivated insecurities.

    If humans are accused of taking a collective responsibility like relationship for granted than they are equally capable of taking themselves for the ride and standing on a pedestal which gives a view devoid of their flaws. Women especially love to romanticize their associations and situations to suit their own perspectives. They will take every glance, every touch and every conversations through their own point of reference.There is nothing wrong in developing own perspectives but it’s a dangerous precedent when we stop acknowledging “the other” view which might contradict ours. The desire to hold on to the rose-tinted glasses is so strong that women tend to live in their “own make believe world”. If the feelings are not reciprocated , all the blame goes to the guy for sending the mixed signals and not an ounce of thought is given to the fact that the girl might/could have misunderstood the gestures.

    I recall the snowflake globe with the dancing couple – that is how I view relationships. There is a picture of relationship that the world sees and there are experiences which you share within yourself,together, like that dancing couple in the globe. For all we know they might be quarreling about who left the towel on bed but that conversation and that moment is solely theirs. But all we see is them twirling around.So why the heck do we take our problems on social media and get the dirt for all to see and gain fake sympathizes. That is because deep down we are selfish, we crave for attention and the need to be proven right to satisfy ourselves that “we are never wrong”. Women too , like Anne said, probably more than men need this endorsement because it is easier to seek the safety of a lie than to accept the truth about ourselves. I call it narcissistic love.

    Personally I am no expert in relationships, but what I do understand and like to remind myself time and again is that it is humanly and universally impossible to be loved for the complete you, especially the flaws. I for one have my own set of non-negotiables, work-ables and things I need to ignore. And I fully expect the other person holding the thread of relationship to make his own judgment about the person I am. As it is easier to love the most perfect facets of each others’ personalities but it is entirely different story about the flaws. It is these individual flaws which we overlook and think they will “magically change/go” like a stain on a Chanel jacket. Nah, doubt it works, like that, probably the married ones will agree, it is these little teething problems which later become the giant albatross of the relationships. See if the flaws can be worked around , but if they blind the good part of the relationship , then thats a call to take.

    If we demand equality and respect in a relationship, then we should be real enough to reciprocate it . Listen , talk and see if you can work the issue together, if not , then be strong enough to take the responsibility of the relationship and its fate , equally.

    It is not a fantasy where one plus one will equal one, no ,relationship are a sum total of two personalities, there would always be two individuals tied together, finding and funbling, their pace in the course of life.

    Take a good look in the mirror and face yourselves, it gives a nice reality check from time to time. Or just wait for Anne, to bring us back from the Planet I, me and myself.

    Done – Need Anne’s hugs, tonnes of DW love and a big thank you for all the ladies , including myself, for being so fabulously interesting.

    P.S. “Only NK accepts me for who I am. Flaws and all.”

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Acceptability will always be there in a true,long term relationship. No one is perfect and no two people are alike. As relationship grows, understanding develops and few compromises/changes have to be made by both. As long as there is respect,love and trust both will put in effort to make the relationship work.

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  5. This post was really thought provoking. I just thought that the way you were able to take a statement like that about accepting flaws and to create an argument that looks at a a totally original aspect of it was amazing. The way in which you made the reader think along a different track and then actually convinced them that you were right by using a relatable example was really good! I just think it was incredible!

    And I agree with what you have said. We should not strive to receive acceptance of our flaws in a relationship but instead aim to receive respect as well as acknowledgment and acceptance of the good in us from that relationship. Furthermore, I think that to some extent loving one another means that we should help the one we love to be the best people that they can be. Don’t you think so? And so you can’t blame someone you love for not accepting your faults because that’s not the point. Yes they should understand that you are human and to err is normal but they should also try and help you to overcome those flaws as much as they can. And if your partner is able to tell you that and you can tell them that then I think it truly shows the strength of your relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Aah! The other side of feminism… I’m guilty of using the dialogue too (“Well! That’s who I am”) when he calls me out on something and I am truly out of defending dialogues …. Lol
    But you are right, Anne… If you expect your partner to accept every shit you throw on him, that is taking him for granted… No human being should be made to go through that experience, man or woman. Totally agree with calling each other out and working on your own flaws for staying in a relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. u mentioned snow flakes HOV u’ve taken be back to my childhood

    flaws we all have and we all need to work at it accepting flaws is easy of ur partner but tolerating it is another subject

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I agree with your points n views…
    N i think before anyone else, we ourselves need to accept our flaws n all…
    We need to understand our flaws n try to be better..
    N also if we expect someone to accept us as we are, so should we….

    For me this statement means that my partner gives more importance to my goodness n positives than the negatives. Accept that as any other human being, i too have flaws n give me his time, patience n support, so that we could overcome these flaws of mine n his too together…

    Everyone should try n overcome their ‘flawsn n all’ with time, more than for themselves than for others….

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  9. great one anne
    iam of the opinion that nobody is flawless – its impossible to find a person who is flawless –
    “I want someone who will accept me for who I am. Flaws and all.” sounds tooo egoistic to me –
    loved the way you brought out the true meaning of relationship –

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  10. I totally agree with every word you have said Anne.
    It’s practically impossible to find a person flawless but that doesn’t mean one should not try to be better. Isn’t a bit like boasting our own flaws? And will these people tolerate the same flaws if the other one has them. Accepting your flaws is one thing but if your loved one wants you to overcome it, because it’s proving detrimental, it doesn’t mean he wants to change you, it’s just he wants you to be better and for your own good isn’t it? Accept me the way I am.. this is not loving yourself .. it’s being egoistic.
    I truly concur and I love it when you said a relationship or your personality shouldn’t stagnate, and ‘it’s striving for betterment’. Very well said Anne, love you!

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  11. When one reads the above dialogue most think (including me) how true it. You totally showed a different side to it…if u are going to leave some one just because they can’t completely accept you all the arranged marriage s should go downhill. Most of them think s in the way of ‘ since I sigh up for it I hav to learn to live with it’ and I know quite a few with that thought

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  12. When you read the said statement most thinks how true it is.but u showed a totslly different view to it.
    But if u are going to leave someone because they can’t completely accept you most of the arranged marriage should have gone downhill (they are most available for study here). Most of them thinks in the way ‘since I sign up for it have to learn to live with it’. And I know quite a few with that thought.

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  13. Great one Anne! And I have seen not only females but males also expecting expecting to be accepted with flaws and all..actually more so…and while I think that no one is perfect and we have to accept what the other person is..relationship is also about growing together…

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  14. Very well said Anne …
    There is a lot of give and take in healthy relationships …
    A relationship has to keep growing with time …
    The moment complacency sets in a relationship stagnates and stagnation is the worst for a happily married after … or for long term relationships …
    Partners should never take each other for granted … ever … age has no bar …
    I know of a couple who celebrated Fifty Glorious Years together and separated soon after !!! now the lady lives with one son while the man lives with the other … It’s not as though they had different romantic interests … it’s just that they were too pigheaded to adjust to each other anymore after being together for so long …

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Anne ok in the beginning I was like oh poor girl had a break up and all then I was having a laugh at some points like this one

    To begin with, the female character is
    definitely smug, egotistical and so full of
    herself, it’s a wonder that mirror didn’t shatter
    at her feet in gratitude. Not to mention the
    male character. (I mean, how he just stood
    there basking in all her splendour without
    turning to mush is just incredible! Although, I
    suspect it’s why he ran away. He knew her
    beauty would turn him to goo.)

    but then what u said I had one word
    BANG ON
    Anne I agree to u on all points. .. Relations n specially marriages suffers just because the partners want to be accepted “Flaws and all” but can’t accept the same in the other. Females shldnt bend on things like beatinh/rapping/drugs and all such bad things but little bending on other habits is not bad n when u see something bad in u accept it n try to change don’t expect other to accept u as.
    Word to word I was chanting so true so true. It happens from both sides males n females n I have seen my friends changing for their boyfriends/ fiancé but the boys still ditch them coz they bend too much in my opinion so balance is the must for it I guess. Then the kids part I don’t know which type of mother I’ll b but I’ll certainly not be totally like the ones u described ghosh its horrible. I hate such kids seriously those brats who don’t listen to their parents n just go on n on…

    lol

    I just carried away again but awesome post hun

    p.s
    I m late coz I was just too caught up in life na lol sorry abt tht

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  16. I personally agree with your post, I recently had a relationship end because it became all about what he wanted and no consideration for as an equal and a person, we were both educated young adults, but what I am and was, wasn’t good enough for him. He was in the right, and me and my family were in the wrong. I must have been one of the few he expected to give him what he wanted ,but I refused because I saw some red flags to giving into his demands. He didn’t convince me, that he would work at being happy with me rather than trying to belittling me and blaming me, he acted like the girl in the relationship. honestly I learned I want someone who can be man and not be controlled by his sister or family members

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  17. Anne, expect you to come up with such observations about relationships & effect an introspection on this blog. This is why I come to this site I think, to breathe a different air.

    Being a writer you have almost mastered the art of objective, critical anlysis of the manner of writing, the grammar, the intent et al. Come to think of it, one doesn’t eulogise one’s assets when describing an interaction, yer we accept it as a normal turn of phrase when reading.

    Regarding realtionships, they are so complex & so dependent on the mindset of the individuals which may change or fluctuate during different phases of their lives. I agree with charminggenie that when your flaws dominate your strengths & start affecting your relationship, then one has to look at how to mend the same by working on those flaws. We have to understand that flaws are not those quirks or traits which make a person different from the other, which is what I presume may have attracted the other person maybe. However, sometimes these may become an irritant. The need to work on these issues only comes about when one feels the need to mend or improve a relationship.

    But that does not absolve us from addressing the issue before it comes to this stage. Not taking the other for granted, working on those irritants help tremendously. Love me, love my dog mentality (apologies) is the lazy way in a relationship. My observation has been that such efforts are reciprocal esp when the other partner also makes such efforts. Confrontations only aggravate. Self-realisation & working on it prevents or reduces such situations.

    Its so easy to sermonise here, but all of us I think are human & have had our share of mistakes in our relationships. Introspecting does help though!

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  18. Acceptance is what we mere mortals thrive for. Whatever we do, we think people should understand us. A little bit selfish if u ask me. Its impossible to accept a person’s whole character wholeheartedly. Obviously we have our own likes and dislikes so difference in opinion will always be there. Be it man or woman. No one can change themselves much due to other people’s opinion( Except if we are drug addict etc). But adjusting a bit for others is not a failure. That is when relationships breaks and we get this whole revenge status on fb bitching each other. And I don’t think its only one way..

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