Virginity: Society’s Favourite Bitch

“Mom, what’s a virgin?”

When my daughter recently asked me that question during lunch after school, I must admit I did a pretty good job of not choking on a piece of potato I’d been chewing. She has a habit of just tossing out a question at the most inappropriate times, which by the way I’m aware she does after carefully consulting her How to Deal With The Parental Species and Win handbook.

Ask when their mouths are full.  – If you’re unsure about something.

Ask in public. – If you sense a punishment could be the result.

Ask when the battered piece of chicken is just being dropped into the frying pan. – If you’re bored and just want to mess with their heads.

Ask when Grandma is within earshot. – If you want to do that thing you’ve been forbidden to do.

Ask exactly three minutes after dad follows your unassuming mom into the bedroom and sneakily shuts the door. – If you want him to buy you something. (Knock first.)

It was clear that she was unsure about the question, but also more obvious was that she seemed quite bothered by it. I could tell because she kind of stage-whispered the word “virgin.” So, I decided to not ask her where she’d heard about it, (I’m growing more used to these kinds of questions popping up at the end of a school day), instead, I reminded her of one of our house rules.

Words don’t control you. You control them.

I guess I’m not one of those people  who gets their panties in a twist if I hear someone swearing. Neither do I scream at my kids for using inappropriate words on the off chance that they do. Kids hear shit, then they like to experiment with that shit. It’s normal, and no point in having a coronary over it by bringing the house down. I prefer to let them know that there are good words and bad words. But, more importantly, that there is an appropriate time, place and age when you can use certain words, and that it’s not cool when kids spew bad language (especially in the presence of adults). It makes them sound ill mannered, not grown up (or worse, cute)

She got a matter of fact answer. A virgin is a person who has not had sexual intercourse. I braced myself for the follow up questions, but was surprised when she looked confused for a minute, then said “A person? I thought it was a girl thing. That’s what my friends were saying, girls are virgins and they have virginity.”

A girl thing.

Girls are virgins.

With virginity.

If I could have curled myself up into a ball on the floor right then and cried my eyes out, I would have. She got that from school, from her friends. Girls. Girls who heard the word used somewhere, or were probably even part of a discussion on virginity and virtue. So, they’re talking about virginity, and right now they’re testing out the word on their tongues. What’s coming next? We all know…

The pros, the cons, the do’s and don’t’s, the should I or shouldn’t I, the is she, or isn’t she, the virgin or the slut?

I am beyond disappointed, because… Still? Are we still talking like this? In 2014? Really? Is this what we as parents have to look forward to with our daughters when they come of age or whatever the hell it’s called?

Will I have to sit by and listen to my daughter soon saying things like “I’m saving myself for marriage.” or alternatively “I love him so I’ve decided to give him my virginity.”

Is this still how it’s going to be while on the other hand we scream about how forward thinking we are?

Are we still so fucking determined to insist that female virginity is some kind of virtue measured in worth only and only by the almighty penis? That a woman’s biggest and most important contribution to a relationship/marriage/a man is her “purity,” and that said purity is a “prize/gift” which a man wins when he penetrates her with his dick and breaks her hymen?

Are we still putting a goddamned noun up on a pedestal and forcing women to worship it, aspire to representing the warped meaning we’ve given it, encouraging our sons to view it as a thing to distinguish between “pure” and “damaged” and become assholes with double standards? – Really?

Why?

Why is virginity so damned important to us? Why are we letting something so subjugating and damaging towards females still control our society? Why are we still handing over control of our bodies, and minds to men, to bullshit? Why are we even using the word “virgin” to define girls and their characters? So we can keep up the oppression? Make sure they keep understanding how horrible shame is? Continue to let ourselves and future generations of girls be devalued like this?

Why is this term still viewed as a process towards a milestone? What the hell do mothers and fathers (or society as a whole) call their daughters before a girl cuts her first tooth, learns to walk, gets a degree? What did we call ourselves before we did all those things?

Shouldn’t the progress towards those milestones be more important than the bullshit society constructed one of waiting to be fucked by a man?

Why are we not talking about what’s really important? Why are little girls still coming home from school and asking their mothers about virginity? Why do they need to? Why do we need to consider the best answer, or feel pressured to explain things like virtue, morals, and whatever the fuck society thinks is right based on a piece of female tissue? Are we being honest with our children? Our daughters? Is this really the only way we can talk to them about their bodies, and sexuality? If not, will they suffer for it later? Be outcast if they shun societies rules, or mocked if they don’t?

Are we as women really just so content to be meaningless slabs of meat stamped with one of two degrading titles like “Is a Virgin,” “Isn’t a Virgin” and propped up on display counters being priced either up or down accordingly?

Is that all young girls are worth? Is that all we want to think we were worth in our youth?

Still?

If so, then I think it’s time we asked ourselves this.

Why don’t we respect ourselves enough to put a stop to it? What’s stopping us?

~*~

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31 thoughts on “Virginity: Society’s Favourite Bitch

  1. Aha! I loved the way your daughter framed the question and her timing..Excellent! She has your style Anne!  My god that handbook, is it for real?  If I had it in my younger days, it would have been very useful…never late..have noted those points..he he..I have done that Grandma pointer in my life – always will work!
    Words don’t control you. You control them.—aha! A nice point!

    I prefer to let them know that there are good words and bad words. But, more importantly, that there is an appropriate time, place and age when you can use certain words, and that it’s not cool when kids spew bad language (especially in the presence of adults). It makes them sound ill mannered, not grown up (or worse, cute)—exactly! I love this take since I yesterday also witnessed my new neighbour kid 3+ spewing foul language at his mom and she was taking all that shit without even correcting the kid and I was rooted to my spot…and yea, exactly I thought what you mentioned..How ill mannered the kid is…

    “A person? I thought it was a girl thing. That’s what my friends were saying, girls are virgins and they have virginity.” — Aha! She has a point you know…that’s the teaching of our society..I wonder why guys are never considered or called as virgins..its not for feminist debate or anything..but I recall once my cousin mentioning, if a teenager guy is virgin then it’s a shame for him in front of his friends..what crap? And if it was a teenager girl of the same age, if she wasn’t a virgin then she is called bitch…wow! What a thinking! Now I am thinking when I did realise the word meaning virgin..definitely not from mom…she isn’t comfortable talking all these stuffs..its a taboo…but if some wrong move, then izzat ka sawal drama begins…

    I am beyond disappointed, because… Still? Are we still talking like this? In 2014? Really? — Sadly yes! I hope with the upcoming generations things will change…hoping but not sure…at least not in India…may be metro cities will have a broader outlook, but still certain societies will never change…Often a girl is in conflict…should she save herself for marriage or is she daring to defy the society moral codes? I personally know few girls who faced or is facing these issues…they want to defy but are scared what if something goes wrong..the society or even her parents wont point finger at the guy..it would be the fault of the girl or they blame it on the upbringing of her by her parents..so many instances have been there, some which I had witnessed..even I have seen my own family or relatives discussing the moral conduct of that girl of this neighbour did so and so..I used to wonder these people don’t have any other job? Shit! This society is so pathetic!

    Is this still how it’s going to be while on the other hand we scream about how forward thinking we are? — Point! I keep asking who is forward? All the so called forward thinking people show double standards when it comes to apna apna..seriously…I mean, I used to wonder how could you trust a person, he/she preaches, give eloquent speeches but at home, he/she is a traditionalist..

    That a woman’s biggest and most important contribution to a relationship/marriage/a man is her “purity,” and that said purity is a “prize/gift” which a man wins when he penetrates her with his dick and breaks her hymen? —loved this statement…yes, majority thinks purity of a woman is the prize to her husband…from an interesting debate of which I was a part of I am quoting a question which a debater asked “ can we expect this purity from men then?” and the audience laughed..yes, they laughed…and I remember someone mentioned that guys have needs unlike girls which has to be satisfied…oh god! I mean it was a really unbearable stupid answer that person gave but the strange thing is the judge agreed with that person…wow! Women don’t have needs? I wanted to ask then!
    Are we still putting a goddamned noun up on a pedestal and forcing women to worship it, aspire to representing the warped meaning we’ve given it, encouraging our sons to view it as a thing to distinguish between “pure” and “damaged” and become assholes with double standards? – Really? —LOL! Pure and damanged…
    Why?—- even I have no answer!
    Make sure they keep understanding how horrible shame is? —- this is something which society and families do very frequently….and they drill this from the early days…why? I have no answer..when questioned, the answers received where always lame…
    Are we being honest with our children? Our daughters? Is this really the only way we can talk to them about their bodies, and sexuality? If not, will they suffer for it later? Be outcast if they shun societies rules, or mocked if they don’t?—- I don’t think we are being honest. Parents who gave their daughters freedom were always mocked and their daughters were considered as outcasts…sadly it’s a reality!
    Are we as women really just so content to be meaningless slabs of meat stamped with one of two degrading titles like “Is a Virgin,” “Isn’t a Virgin” and on propped up on display counters being priced either up or down accordingly? — I hate this showcasing but they do exist right?

    Why don’t we respect ourselves enough to put a stop to it? What’s stopping us? — people who fight this is less in number..either we break the system or the system breaks us…the fight is on from long time…but the condition still prevails…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. “Parents who gave their daughters freedom were always mocked and their daughters were considered as outcasts…sadly it’s a reality!”

      I really don’t think it’s about parents giving their children freedom as much as it’s about parents instilling a sense of worth into their daughters instead of a good dose of shame and guilt despite the “freedoms” they give them. Plenty of parents provide physical freedom to their children while holding on tight to emotional and mental leashes.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes exactly! Very true..loved the phrasing emotional and mental leashes…so true Anne! so true! I hope at least the new generations parents think differently and instill a sense of worth into their daughters instead of the daughters fighting for their individuality with their parents.

        Anne, thanks for these invigorating perspectives. I share these bits of wisdom to my friends during our talks or debates and honestly urge them to see this angle. For eg: 2 days back one of my friends became a father and we had asked him in our WA group to post a snap of the baby. Unfortunately his grandmom threatened to throw his mobile if he tried. According to their beliefs it isn’t good for the baby to be photographed at least for few months..I really had a mad urge to shout What crap. If there is a logical scientific reason for this kind of superstitions I can agree but this is stupidity..In this age where live delivery is shot, taking a snap…my friend didn’t had a choice to voice his protest among the whole bunch of conservative family yelling at him. And when we discussed about this in our group. to my surprise 2 of my girl friends were siding with the old generation and I couldn’t help but tell them to grow up. So, if this is the situation presently, I told my friend, not to give into these kind of illogical traditions..it’s the life of your daughter..if you are letting others decide of her, it isn’t fair nor it is the way to bring up a kid…I felt so pissed off…Like you told making a girl physically independent is not enough, parents should stand tall and feel proud for her and that they could do only when their daughter is a balanced person in all aspects – emotional, mental, financial, physical…she should be a powerhouse on her own..but compassionate too. Not a totally arrogant but a good human

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Would you believe me if I tell you that a post from you is usually accompanied by a beat in my head, making it nod incessantly , while the foot taps to – “She is back,She’s back again.”.

    Yes, a totally inappropriate song for a Bon Jovi crooner.

    That conversation was not at all awkward. Considering not too long ago my yet to be teen brother , tossed all the age difference and the skype etiquette out of the window, when he so causally said,

    ” You know I know about condom”.

    Miles apart, abnormally early hour on my side of the ocean , I had a hard time picking my jaw from the floor. After watching the rapidly comical expressions on my face, he came up with a very exasperated comeback .

    ” Dude, tv has zillion ads running up and people kiss even in Harry Potter”

    Still as his adult sister continued with her bizarre behavior he continued and calmly told me – ” Just because I know and am aware of biology, doesn’t mean I have lost innocence”. He continued, ” I just told you about this so that you can stop feeding the stork dropping the baby story “.

    That was not embarrassing at all, considering how quickly I went from thinking my brother has grown all big to plotting how to use this new information for future sibling blackmail.

    Virginity.

    I feel funny even while typing the word . How pristine, proper and white the syllables stare back at us. Almost everything associated with it exclaims something feminine.

    The virgins -females ofcourse either flaunt it like a expensive necklace while the ones who have missed the card, hide under fake imitations. Not realizing , the proverbial word is slowly suffocated them all. Reducing their existence and value to a soiled sheet.

    Looking around or rather in the mirror too , I see a lot of hypocrisy starring back . Education or not, traditional to high-brow modern, the woman of this world is still uncomfortable about sexuality. Young girls are fed to save it , the sanctity of their womanhood to the eager minds- ill-informed and willing to be the rebels who cross this “all or nothing” line.

    Sex and Power , too sides of one coin- Control.
    There is no denying the primary reason why women were treated inferior over centuries is because of their gender and the most potent weapon used was sex. Nothing fed the male ego then making a woman cry helplessly then that. Considering the lack of knowledge that it is a normal , very human biological need , the closed doors and the hush hush tone , elevated it to almost religious tones. Sin- thats what it was said to be.
    The word virgin was nailed on the forehead of woman to mark territories by the man and to control her fate. Shame kept her from branching out.

    Bra-burning era, the female voters, the pseudo emancipated world, yet this word continues to sway the i-pad using generation.

    Some might vex and frown at men judging female because of it , yet we have our own kind who takes uncharacteristic pride in throwing – ” I am saying myself till marriage”. Not understanding that that one night is not a character certificate, she won’t become impure if she has sex.
    We also have the young teens who wait to get deflower and declare it to their peer to show how cool they are. Sex. Control. Supremacy.

    It’s human nature to crave for power over others, sex , being generally most misunderstood , is often used as the bait. The players might have changed but the game remains the same. Now women take pride in using this word to brandish new power hierarchy. We really have become our own worse version.

    Morals definitely has nothing to do with sex, but judging unfairly certainly does.

    Men might have taken a backseat in this power , but they never miss an opportunity to exploit it. But I am harder at my own gender, who refuse to accept the reality and give up on this deluded crown of purity.

    2014 or 2040, nothing will change till we accept sexuality in a matter of fact manner and stop treating it as a bargaining chip in the battle of power.
    It needs to be understood publicly , but opinionated individually. To have or not have, should be about the comfort level of body and mind , free of prejudices.

    Walk the line , woman- even the white holds multiple shades.

    Start by stop asking this question, imparting sex education and letting a girl know that her happiness and respect is the most valuable thing in this world.

    Phew, rant over.

    Anne, thank you for this and for teaching me how to understand pre-teen curiosity. This cat will be more prepared now.

    Oh goes without saying that I do love you , not abnormal at all and I certainly thank you for giving me to rant out on this craziness.

    P.S. I really hope my brother never reads this.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Great comment, but I felt this was worth quoting (and again and again if I could)

      “But I am harder at my own gender, who refuse to accept the reality and give up on this deluded crown of purity.”

      The truth is we are holding onto it like a lifeline, and making up tons of excuses to not ever give it up. It spoils our fun you see, and many times our “entertainment” (at weddings, parties, the work place) and also our sense of “romance” (television, the silver screen. literature) – It’s a guilty pleasure, and we like to indulge, as consumers, viewers, readers, writers, etc. So what if we’re trampled on in the bargain? Why spoil the fun? It’s harmless, no? 😉

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Just today, on my way back from work and just as I was parking my car, I caught the tail end of an interview of a girl who was offering her virginity…there were bids for over 100k!

    Why don’t we respect ourselves enough to put a stop to it?”
    – Exactly.

    Hah, I remember hearing it on the news a few years ago when a mother was admonished for honestly replying to her young child. I think it went as far as suspending the child from the school too.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Great subject Anne and great comments all, but what I told my teen was the emotional importance behind virginity. Yes on this side of world where I live, sex is easy, and started way early.kids get all the education tbey need from schools,tv, movies. So as a parent we have to define virginity- not as keeping yourself pure and something pristine. Rather a promise to wait for the right person, to share something so special with true love. But with this I also said that even with choosing that special person we can make a mistake and that would be fate, we learn and continue.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It’s sad but sex and words connected to it are still taboo in our dictionary even though we are in the year 2014 … and because of this it is only from friends and peers at school that our children satisfy their curiosity … maybe in a very warped manner …

    I remember when I started my period my mother was too shy herself to explain the reason why this happens to girls and how to use pads etc … it was my oldest sister … who was a good six years older to me who was given the task to explain things to me …

    We as women have to be comfortable with ourselves before others learn and respect us for what we are …

    Virginity is not a crown on ones head that one has to safeguard and keep locked up in a safe … or make a girl wear a chastity belt to guard her virginity …

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Very thought provoking post Anne. In fact I am surprised your 9 year old is asking such questions, but I am happy she is asking and trying to understand it. In fact I can imagine how confused she herself must be with girls around her whispering in those in-suspicious tones about things like this – because they might be considered taboo or inappropriate.
    I am glad you handled it nicely.

    Now coming to Virginity, yes this is one word, that in todays society, be it any country, city, culture, race you belong to, is still considered the worth of a woman. While we may imagine we have progressed in our thinking – that women who are non-virgins are no longer going to stay unmarried because of giving up their virginity to somebody other than her soulmate/future husband/ etc. But the truth is, we arent that far. No we arent. Because of the simple fact, that we ourselves give it much importance. Be it our insecurities or our confidence, we do judge other women by who they are sleeping with, why they are sleeping with them, and how early can they lose it to a man. Yes, seemingly its a free society, truly its anything but.

    While bringing young girls to understand their own sexuality is important, it is also important to teach them the worth of being a woman, of being educated, of being an equal to a man in all terms. It saddens me that society still considers women’s virginity at such a high level whereas a man can go fuck himself whenever and wherever he wants. And he is never asked a question, because virginity is never a man’s problem but only a woman’s. The worst part is, in all of this we women take equal parts in the dick worshipping this society is used to. Sadly I don’t know when that will change, and if it at all will. You bring up a good point, what is stopping us to bring that change.

    Brilliant —
    Are we as women really just so content to be meaningless slabs of meat stamped with one of two degrading titles like “Is a Virgin,” “Isn’t a Virgin” and propped up on display counters being priced either up or down accordingly?

    Lastly, I love how you categorized your kids questions to appropriate situations – they are really smart, arent they?
    “Ask exactly three minutes after dad follows your unassuming mom into the bedroom and sneakily shuts the door. – If you want him to buy you something. (Knock first.)” — hilarious Anne. Really smart kids.

    🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Starting with the lighter part

    Ask in public. – If you sense a
    punishment could be the result.

    Ask when Grandma is within earshot.
    – If you want to do that thing you’ve
    been forbidden to do.

    I did it many times. Lol

    I’ll say we all have done the asking part like u described. But this made me grin wider

    Ask exactly three minutes after dad
    follows your unassuming mom into the
    bedroom and sneakily shuts the door.
    – If you want him to buy you
    something. (Knock first.)

    Good point damn I missed it!

    now I really love ur way of handling things wid kids. Questions good or bad shldnt b shunned out. Kids tend to b in more suspense n they tend to get answers themselves from here n there which can sometimes give them very wrong info

    She got
    that from school, from her friends.
    Girls

    now tht even in kids movies n cartoons they show quite bold stuff these issues r bound to arise n m glad that rather sdeking help somewhere else to get da answers.

    ok then comes the question

    will it stop?

    I don’t think so

    What’s
    stopping us?

    Answer:- We the WOMEN…. These things r mostly encouraged by us. we tend to b judgmental. If a girl is out wid a boy most of women n men think oh they r boyfriend girlfriend n its always the girl who’s considered two timer/slut/characterless etc. Women do injustice to women way more than men. But virginity I think is something which is important for both women n men. and sadly no its not gonna end. We still ask our sisters/friends/daughters etc to keep their virginity safe for that one badtered who we don’t know have taken how many already. Lol this is how the society here works. Sad but true n trust me for a longer time it will stay like this only.

    I wish to see change in society. I really do

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, sadly it’s really your generation who are inheriting this fight and will have to start on making those changes. But, I will say one thing for you all, you’re much more capable to take a stand, less afraid. The younger generation has more balls than people give them credit for, I very strongly believe that.

      Liked by 3 people

  8. Well said Anne. I was shocked your little one asked you this at her age but nonetheless she did ask and wanted to understand it I like it. This really made me think, how long are we going to say the society is immature or biased or has medieval ideas.. after all we form the society and it’s time we change the things. I really don’t know what’s stopping us, is it the same old twisted notion of morality or propriety that needs to be changed? It’s damn difficult but at least now it’s started as you too cleared the things right way for your daughter, it’s no more a taboo subject.
    And handbook of kids! It’s hilarious 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. They start this earlier and earlier, don’t they?.. I had a convo with my 6 yr old just an hour back on why girls don’t have wee wee and if they don’t, how do they pee?… and he asked me – do you guys pee with your vagina?…LOL

    We pretty much used the same words you have written while explaining to him why he can’t swear and that was when he was 3…We cannot control what other kids and adults say around him, so we just want him to be aware that swearing is something adults do and no one expects little kids to swear…That also covers his dad swearing when someone cuts him off on the road and his mom when she stubs her toe on table…:D

    Unfortunately nothing has changed about the importance of being a virgin(in conservative countries) or losing it before a certain age (in the liberal ones)… I really wish it wasn’t so… and girls and boys had the option of choosing either way and not made fun of or judged either way…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. When I read this I actually remembered an advertisement a friend send me. It said

    “BUY A VIETANAMI GIRL 6000 USD ONLY. GUARANTEED VIRGINS. IF ONE RUNS AWAY IN THE FIRST YEAR GET ONE FOR FREE!!!”
    I don’t know where she got it. The virgin part had a big highlight in it..
    Itz something I always wondered we call boys ‘playboys” and females “sluts”. How all the heroes are playboys and heroines are shy and calm virgins??

    P.S : you are an awesome mom

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Virgin or not why has the word been feminized. Hung like an albatross around our necks and why are we still allowing it to weigh us down.
    As always a thought provoking piece. “Shouldn’t the progress towards those milestones be more important than the bullshit society constructed one of waiting to be fucked by a man?” – so well said.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. What a thought provoking question. Love your take on it and all the comments. On this topic society at large has been taking a disappointing one step forward and two steps back approach and it takes parents like you, one parent at a time to bring up girls who will eventually be mothers themselves to right this situation.

    It is utterly shameful that “This feminized word “is used to measure, judge, browbeat and punish women even today. I know mothers who are living in terror and praying that their daughter will pass the inspection on her wedding night in this day and age while the boys mother has no such fear.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. It’s easy to start pointing the finger at society and say it’s their fault and it’s the men who put this on our heads but how many of these so called educated, liberated, modern opinion sprouting women actually state in public “Yes i am not a virgin”???

    How many married women do you have in our society who come and ” say i had many lovers before i married?” How many single women say ” I am enjoying my life whether i marry or not i don’t care.. i have sex and i like it?’… well the sad answer is very very few, maybe a handful.

    I have heard countless women who proclaim anonymously that it SHOULD be like this and it SHOULD be done like that and it makes me sick.If they are asked however “are you having sex with your boyfriend?” the answer is “no of course not we are waiting till we are married. I am not like that” Even if you know they are having sex no one want’s to say it in public! They want to stay virgins in the eyes of their parents and friends. Why? because you will be the good girl if you are.
    Deep down they are still burdened by the stigma. They are afraid.
    You see many female celebrities come on TV and if they are South Asian women despite very publicized romantic relationships they keep mum or claim to be Virgins.. Why? Because they will get lynched if they do. The moment a woman states she is not a virgin she is slotted next to prostitutes.

    Till women stop pretending and actually hold their head high and take a risk and say.. “what i do with my life is my business. Being a virgin or not is not a stigma for me. I am not a virgin and it’s MY choice” this will NOT change.

    The absolute worst thing are these so called saviors of womankind are the same one’s who brand the women who actually have the guts to be open as ‘liberals’ or loose women. They are looked down upon for having meaningless sex when they brandish their virginity like a prize and say “look i may be 50 but i have saved it for my husband to be.. i didn’t give it away”.They hold on to it not out of choice but use it to discredit the woman who actually said fuck off to social norms and lived her life. It’s no use always blaming society.. you have to be the change. As the great MJ said ” Let’s start with the WOMAN in the mirror”

    I was not a virgin and it was my choice not to be.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yes to this:

      “The absolute worst thing are these so called saviors of womankind are the same one’s who brand the women who actually have the guts to be open as ‘liberals’ or loose women. They are looked down upon for having meaningless sex when they brandish their virginity like a prize and say “look i may be 50 but i have saved it for my husband to be.. i didn’t give it away”.They hold on to it not out of choice but use it to discredit the woman who actually said fuck off to social norms and lived her life.”

      Choosing to go the traditional route for whatever reasons yourself is fine (even if you’re doing it because you have no guts to take a stand) but to actually turn that around and use it to slander and label other women is what makes this the biggest part of the problem and completely unacceptable. It is not tradition and not anything of value. It is basically a whole lot of cowards too afraid to make changes in their own lives, and who live under the so called veil of “chastity” who toss the attention elsewhere. It paints them in a better light, because otherwise their light isn’t all that bright to begin with… it’s really just a piece of tissue, hidden a couple of inches in. And, what makes it worse is a lot of them (ALOT) use that to their advantage. You see, virginity doesn’t a saint make.

      Liked by 3 people

  14. A part of me gets very worried when I see my generation and the younger one react to desi tv serials. The female audience lap up the male “Casanova” protagonist who has an active sex life and is seen as the ultimate hero and the one to be desired and to be tamed. But the girl has to be the meek, untouched ,asexual, clueless . She should cow down to him . There will be a big hue and cry if she has sexual intercourse before her wedding day. They will shout how she has changed ,how its not in her character and the other vulgar terms. But never a word for the hymen-less hero.

    It’s even more interesting how a girl who is sexually active is branded as “other woman”. She is immediately written off as a potential love interest. The degradation of respect is amusingly sad.

    And if the heroine has a male friend , then they should never hug or explore their friendship further because she belongs to the brooding MCP who never misses an opportunity to humiliate her.

    Never have male friends, maintain a chaste vagina and never call your lord by his name.

    My fear is that subconsciously the wrong concept of virginity is seeping in the younger generation, without them realizing it. But I fervently believe , it is strong enough to realize before its too late. I KNOW they will not their identity caged in these 6 letter word

    Be brave and aware , woman, don’t chain yourself in the name of religion, tradition and culture. And Start by not judging.

    Phew rant over!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My fear is that subconsciously the wrong concept of virginity is seeping in the younger generation, without them realizing it. – You said it!…When are we gonna stop this?…Why are they pushing it?..I hope change comes soon- at least the Bollywood movies have started with lip locks and consensual sex before taking pheras…Hope this continues..

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  15. Why don’t we respect ourselves enough to put a stop to it? What’s stopping us?

    May be we our over protective for our children. We underestimate their ability to make judgments even after they have entered into adulthood. We fear that they might be exploited. So we try to put these false morality ideas into their heads. We forget that this over-protectiveness might be more dangerous in the long run. We hamper their decision making ability, by gradually feeding their minds with so called moral values. This is another way to keep on deciding for the coming generations.

    Lets just educate and stop preaching.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Virginity is definitely blown out of proportion especially in today’s modern times, in fact this angst also was surprising. In our world it is not abig deal, but yes, in conservative circles not being a virgin is a big issue. One doesn’t declare ones status from the rooftops, as it is a very personal issue, just like religion, or ones sexuality. Yes, being open about ones decisions or actions is a personal prerogative, but conversely, the reactions are the prerogative of others. We are a multicultural society, ruled equally by extremists, moderates as well as conservatives. We cannot dictate a universal acceptance, the world is too diverse for it.

    The overriding concern is that women are discriminated against on a lot of fronts. Some issues are gradually being resolved, while others will take time, but it is changing. As more people desire to change the order of society, so will the change happen. Take heart, we are getting there.

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  17. As always, you have given me something to think about. I grew up in a very conservative household and I am a product of my environment. Life has taught me many lessons, some very hard that I didn’t think I would survive. It’s these lessons that have changed my views. I had to rethink my views because of my daughter. It so important that we raise confident children. I think collectively we have made some progress but not enough. Change takes time and sometimes while living through it, we don’t see the level of change. But when we see the next generation in our shoes, that’s when the change looks drastic. As long as we don’t give up and continue to insist on being respected and valued for who we are and not what is expected of us, change will come.

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  18. Its a vicious cycle. Our mothers may say they’re different to their mother but the sad truth is they’re not. Today, kids might be more aware of things but we still bring them up with the same regressive thinking from centuries old.
    Darwin’s survival of fittest- adaptability. So very apt yet never followed.
    I’m not saying it OK to sleep around it its not. Its ones personal business and what they do with their own body should be up to them.why do we have the society staking claim on my body?
    Mind body soul- all owned by the world. Nothing belongs to me anymore.

    And this is the thinking we’re bringing up out kids with. Follow the sheep. Meh meh..

    I’ve known of cases where ‘whoring’ men have left their wives. Reason- she wasn’t a virgin. The first time I’d heard it it was a shock. But then heard of how the women were abused too.

    I’d come across this meme once. Will edit it as that was offensive but it’d said something like men want a fully clothed woman outside the sheets(?) , a **** between the sheets.

    This is something I hear so very often around me. Its case of- there’s nothing wrong in looking at the menu even if you’re on diet. Know what I mean.

    I’d read the following a long time ago. Just found the screenshot of it and when you’d posted this I’d have linked it to this.
    “For if a man chooses to be promiscuous, he may still aesthetically turn up his nose at promiscuity. He may still demand a woman be faithful to him, to save him from his own lust. But women have lust, too. Why should they be relegated to the position of custodian of emotions, watcher of the infants, feeder of soul, body and pride of man? Being born a woman is my awful tragedy. From the moment I was conceived I was doomed to sprout breasts and ovaries rather than penis and scrotum; to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable femininity. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars — to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording — all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night…”
    Sylvia Plath, The Unabrided Journals (July 1951)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. This is quite true… Virginity is highly overrated thing…
    N moreover the question is why is virginity only for girls???
    This makes me feel that this societyn its people are such hypocrites…
    I remember when was d time i heard about virginity, It was on a chat show by Tina (hussains wife-that kumkum serial’s lead) and the guest was Sudhanshu pandey (band of boys singer and actor)…
    He was asked this ques “Are u a virgin?”
    N the answer was ” Virginity is a concept fopr girls” .
    N i still remember this, at that i did nt knw the concept of virginity bt wen i came to know i waa shocked at d views of d men out there n moreover this is coming frm a person who is a part of entertainment n glamour industry…

    Being a virgin for that someone special or not is personal choice n should be respected as that…
    If men get this choice without any repurcurssions then why not women…..
    Now this was all about from moral point of view..

    Coming to scientific theory….. One cannot determine virginity…
    Breaking of the hymen or not cannot count for virginity…
    The hymen can break due to rigorous physical training during weight loss or sports n it can also break by driving two wheelers…
    Or it may not break in the first sexual intercourse (if its flexible enough)
    So this is highly illogical to consider virginity as someone’s or actually some girl or women’s ‘CHARACTER CERTIFICATE’.

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