I was browsing through some fashion blogs yesterday and i came across a post about a famous Bollywood star’s wife. She had recently separated from the man and was launching a store. I had read an article about her store before in a popular fashion magazine and liked it and she looked happy and upbeat and i thought to myself she looks strong and positive despite going through a very public split, kudos. But when i clicked and went to the post what i found inside shocked me to my core.
To get everyone up to speed the couple had separated after 17 years of marriage and 2 kids and they have made a statement that, ‘Sometimes two people just don’t work out” asked for privacy and understanding from friends and fans. Perfectly acceptable since a marriage is a couples business and whatever reasons they stay or separate is their own. What i didn’t expect to see was this woman getting lynched for it.
The further i read the comments the madder i got because it became more than about this lady in particular. I don’t care why their marriage ended and people can have thousands of reason but what got my goat was the way it was heaped on the woman to be the one who was appointed the custodian to see to it that it works!.
I do not take marriage lightly and fully understand that it takes a hell of a lot to make it work, but it is also a two way street. It’s not the duty of only the WOMAN to make sure it lasts NO MATTER WHAT. It’s the responsibility of both the man and the wife. A woman is more than just a wife and a mother, she has the right to chose her own happiness. Her life as an individual does not stop when she becomes a mother.
I have quoted the outrage that was hurled at this unsuspecting woman to highlight my point and trust me this is NOT fiction. These are actual extracts from readers.
“then why did they tried to show how madly in love and how perfect they are in each of every interview ?I mean that’s non of our business of course how happy or miserable they are but please don’t fake these things!! it made me not believe any movie star. well, after all they say “acting on-screen, acting off-screen!”
“Well whatever is the reason i feel they loved each other and its sad that a woman’s love wasn’t so deep as the man, she left him at a time when he just battled through a brain surgery at least on medical grounds she should have shown some sympathy for him. I dont understand why people here are calling her efforts as great i feel they all are themselves very selfish ppl who have no respect for relationships especially when somebody who u once loved is medically unwell. How can u leave then? She made an abrupt choice marriages are for keeps and also when u can bear the superstar tag or the so called philandering though there is no evidence …”
‘For God’s sake he was also the father of ur children she separated those little ones from their dad, this aint done after 13 yrs.”
“Why leave him one out how on earth will u find a new husband a new father to those kids is there a guarantee? Will u get a next person who u knows that well when u were just 19 he knew her all her life. Will u be able to create those beautiful years of youth with another man i wonder. then why did u spoiled it?”
“when people leave a marriage is there a guarantee that the next spouse will be better than the first one i dont think so as no one is perfect u cant even get a perfect maid or a driver after the previous one has left the job then why not get old with the same partner with whom u took oaths to have a life time relationship with kids”
That one actually made me crack up.
“Just because your husband is busy working does not give her the liberty to indulge herself”
“She should have realized this before marrying him.”
WHAT THE FUCK?? I MEAN SERIOUSLY??? The woman is supposed to KNOW it will work out or not? She REALIZED??? A man CAN muddle around? A woman should know better?
“I am puzzled.. Does it take that long for a two people to realize they are not compatible?? Seriously both need clinical help!! Since they are affluent in life maybe it’s the easier way to walk out!! The same would be unusual in a normal working class family!!”
No you fucking c**t it does not take that long.. the first fuck on your suhaag raat tells you all you need to know about how the rest of your life is going to pan out. You gather your shit and split before sunrise.
“In my day marraige was for keeps..if it was broken you fixed it and started riding it again. You didnt throw it into the garbage scrap and ‘move on‘. there should be a limit to selfishness as in a marriage you compromise with each other. This is coming from somone who has been married for over a decade and didnt walk out because it wasnt meant to be and we didnt work out. I stayed because no matter what, it HAD to be and we HAD to make it work.”
Great marriage is a Horse! and she has been ridding it so hard she is saddle sore and is pissed at anyone who dares to go on a… say for example a cart.
“after 2 kids u thought u were not compatible! i am lady and i have a 2 years old daughter …. i wud work it out with my husband till every bit and i know he would too… we may not be the best looking couple or the perfect couple.. we fight mourn argue every other day .. but for gods sake ur not compatible after living together for 14+ years !”
I know a couple who have been together for fifty years the man was gay and the day he died she was the most relieved. And NO they were not compatible, they loathed each other but always smiled in public. Imagine that! Such brazenness .. they deceived me!!
“its strange to see and imagine her love existed for just 17yrs for him its sad. After making a commitment for a lifetime her love for him suddenly died down at a time when he was all weak “
Note to self: Never leave a man if he suddenly gets ill after you had decided to separate and announce it. Why? because it’s not done.. You wait for another 10 years till he is well.
“Its strange a woman said i wanna end my marriage had no love for him at all though the man himself is unconditionally in love with her.yes he must have made mistakes but why leave a guy at his most vulnerable stage why cant maintain this relation its not always neccesary to have love in a marriage even friendship or pretending to be friends for the sake of kids could have helped.”
This one deserves a standing ovation. This is the crux of the problem. Pretend to be in love, pretend to be happy, pretend for your friends, pretend for your family , PRETEND FOR YOUR KIDS! Newsflash, kids are pretty smart and they know when there is tension and unease, it’s like an illness it lingers in the atmosphere and like a cancer it eats into you. If you are unhappy its better to face the truth, even it it’s painful to deal with its better and healthier than this PRETENSE.
“Thirteen years and two kids later…some people just don’t work out. Nigggaaa plz. Couldn’t you have realized it any sooner? :-)” –
No she couldn’t didn’t have a crystal ball! shucks!
“I think when kids are involved as parents i feel u it should be a social and moral responsibility as a couple to survive ur marriage just keep going in that relationship”
“hmmmm after 13 years and two kids .. she decided it is not working???? you decide first if its working or not and then bring kids to this world … only an affair is the thing which can force me to leave my husband and nothing else!
“not working out” is a foolish comment from a mom of two! you make things happens! you work on marriage. specially when kids are involved . leaving is easy, working out is hard .. and she took the easy way out. unless one of them was / is having affair.. thats totally different issue.”
“hey’ve been together so long! I know that they may have grown different but still they must have realized it way before the second kid!!! so why did they continue their marriage?”
What i mean is don’t fuck me .. i have felt something which might lead me to divorce you 10 years later. If we have sex now i might conceive and if i do this might become a problem i for any reason we decide to divorce… See we shouldn’t have sex today .. . I am sorry i just cant make this decision right now. Put your snake back in your shorts.
“Plz kindly remove the <surname> tag u have literally spoiled ur superstar husband’s image and status ppl around me are saying poor guy his wife left him, its sad he is dumped, his wife ran away with another man all because of this woman”
Okay this one really scared me, now they are demanding she give him back the surname because heck she left him! He is handsome, rich and and makes the ladies swoon and open up like 7Eleven so HOW DARE SHE KEEP THE NAME! Give it back Bitch! Did i mention he is the most handsome man on earth… oh right i did.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAND the icing on the cake…
“She had everything and she threw it away.”
That’s right, she had a handsome man who told the world he loved her. He is rich and famous and gave her everything. Beautiful house jewelry and two kids. What more could she need… seriously?
Through this insufferable regressive-ness there was a faint pulse of the few who dared. Threadbare …trying to shout over the din to be heard. Faint but still beating… a beacon of hope.
“I have a lot of respect for her. Whatever her reasons were for the separation is her business and her business ONLY! It is great to see a highly scrutinized woman in India be strong enough to leave a marriage that made her unhappy and go on with her life without caring about the opinions of others. She carries herself with such confidence and class!”
“Gud she decided to live her life her own way. Her responsibility towards her kids is separate from her own happiness.”
“I’m reading the comments below and I have to say I’m shocked. Some of these opinions on marriages and wife’s duty to make it work, etc are exactly what wrong with not only society in India, but across the Indian diaspora all over the world. Can we please progress as a society? The shocking thing is , most of you women believe these things because they’ve been hardwired and programmed into your brains by parents, society , in laws, etc . Makes me ill.”
“Why is everyone so judgmental? We live in an incredibly sexist society- if a woman chooses to leave because she finds the relationships isn’t working work for her, people slander and assault her motivations and integrity. Why not think- yes she tried for a long time and after trying for 13 years she realized that some things won’t change and decided to move on. More power to her for making a decision that makes her happy in the long run. And even more power to her for being independent and creating opportunities for herself. More women should strive to be self- reliant, not just a doormat with no unique identity of their own. Plus who are you to judge and accuse her of failing to make the marriage work”
“So now you are condemning her for sticking out for a decade!! Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!!”
“What’s with this “BLAME THE VICTIM MENTALITY’ your harbouring? Maybe she tried and tried and decided that it just wasn’t worth it anymore. Who are you to judge???? If your upbringing has taught you to put up with infidelities and lack of respect in a marriage , please apply it in ur own life. You might be in awe of his looks, money or star status but please understand that fortunately there are several women out there who have the guts to say no to BS behaviour no matter what the trade-off.
The last comment made me raise my head a little and think. It’s the trade off that was being hammered all though that post to that lady. That’s what was bothering me the most ( apart from the fact these are not rural village women who were giving these comments but urban educated women.. but that’s a separate topic altogether). We are boxed in, we are expected to have a limited vision. Go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a honors degree, bag a rich handsome man, settle down, have kids, be a good daughter in law, make him happy and there… you have everything you could possible hope for. What more could you possibly want?
He does not love you as much?… You don’t love him as much?… you are unhappy? SO WHAT? Are you going to give up your home, kids, husband for that? What are you going to do with this so called liberation and happiness don’t you know single women are miserable trying to snatch a wealthy man just like the one you have? So what if he beats you… he was probably stressed at work? He wants you to do what in bed?… okay so why can’t you try it… you will learn to like it after a while… stop complaining. You marriage is not working.?? THEN TRY FUCKING HARDER dammit!
IT’S YOUR FUCKING DUTY!.
What is this inherent weakness in women to judge fellow women? The pride with which they wear the shackles around their necks and brandish it around like a weapon to suppress other women is downright frightening. I think we are labeled the weaker sex, because we just can’t stand it. We cant stand to celebrate the strength it takes to stand under the sun, and say yes i am flawed but i am free. I am free to live my life on my terms. It’s easier to stay inside the box that we have been given and PRETEND to be free.
Strength, integrity, self-worth, happiness, independence, is unbecoming.
Plus it won’t get you a man.