The Fallen

Recently I received an email from someone telling me I’m a bitch, and that very soon I would fall from this great height I’ve kept myself at.

At first I thought the emailer meant the high heeled shoes I wear when I go out socially. At 5ft and 4.5 inches tall, I like a little elevation. But, after reading the email again I realized she didn’t mean heels.

I then crawled under my coffee table, stuck my thumb in my mouth and tried hard not to cry. What this person said confused and scared me, and the emotional trauma lasted for days.

Because, I am afraid of falling. But, I’m not afraid of heights.

You see, I suffer from mild episodes of vertigo from time to time, and that usually happens when I’m at some kind of height, which sucks. So, I mostly try and avoid heights, but I also love them, because you know…

With great heights come great views.

Turns out what this person told me was not wrong. Soon after the email incident I began watching a TV show which had for a very long time been recommended by a good friend. At the time, I had put it on my “Watch and See if You Like Shit Like This” list and then forgot about it.

When I began watching it last week (six months after it was recommended) I got instantly addicted. I also fell, very hard and very fast for the male lead in the show. When that happened, it felt like I was falling from a great height. It also felt so good, I wanted to climb back up and fall again and again and again. I wanted to have a multiple orgasm fall for this gorgeous piece of male perfection.

Disclaimer: I refuse to mention the name of the show or even who the male lead is on the grounds that I only share him with Chani.

So, as it turns out, my emailer was right. The fall happened.

Now, I’m convinced she is a descendant of Nostradamus, and I want to send her cupcakes.

In other news, my daughter informed me during our weekend outing that if there was ever a case of attempted kidnapping involving her, and should screaming for help fail, she would kick her assailant “you know where” and run.

Me: Where is you know where?

Her (darting her eyes left and right): You know… Below the belly button. There!

Me: Stop talking like Anastasia Steel.

Her: Who?

Me: Never mind. Who taught you this ‘get away’ trick kick?

Her: No one. I learned it myself.

Me: Lying to your mother is a sin.

Her: I’m not lying.

Me: A punishable sin.

Her: I’m not lying.

Me: Your loyalty to your father is commendable, but it’s also pretty transparent.

Her: Is Dad in trouble?

Me: That depends. Do you think someone trying toΒ  kidnap you would be fun?

Her: No.

Me: Then he’s not in trouble.

Of course I still discussed it with him later that evening.

Me: Just a reminder… She’s nine years old.

Him: Which is why I’ll wait till she’s older to teach her how to break noses.

Me: As long as she doesn’t maim the Zac Efron look-alike who’ll take her to Prom.

Him: Why Efron?

Me: They had a High School Musical marathon the other day. Efron is back. I’m trying to stay current.

Him: What happened to One Direction? I thought they were on the horizon.

Me: Too soon after Nick Jonas.

Him: How many lookalikes will I have to keep track of?

Me: It’s my job to keep track. Your job is to seriously intimidate whatever lookalike I track. Now put on my show, I need to fall in love again and prove that Nostradamus is alive in spirit.

Him: Just a reminder… Threesomes with another man is out of the question in this relationship.

Me: I wouldn’t share my new crush with you even if you paid me.

Him: There are times when you come too close to earning the titles those nasty emailers give you.

Me: For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t share you with anyone either. Male or female. There would be a lot of kicking down there if I encountered that scenario.

Him: I’m not smiling because your sentiment pleases me.

Then, there was a bookstore incident. I was browsing and came across the latest book by Nora Roberts. Just I reached for it, a woman grabbed the book with a “Sorry. This is mine.”

I chose not to remind her that we were in a bookstore which would have many more copies of the same book available.

“I love Nora Roberts.” She said, flipping through the pages.

Me: Have you read her work under the other name she uses?

Her: She doesn’t use another name.

Me: J.D. Robb. Here. (I handed her a book.)

She laughed and rolled her eyes, so I turned away. She snickered some more behind my back. I heard her mutter “Idiot.”

I turned back around and used my outside voice.

“No, I do not know where the Mommy Porn section is.”

People stopped browsing and stared, a store clerk hurried over to the woman, she dropped the book in her hand like it was a hot potato, and I don’t know why. It was the J.D Robb book I’d given her.

I’m a terrible human being (some might even call me a bitch), and this is a pathetically short post. However, I have a chapter update I need to work on, so it’s time for me to leave you.

But, before I do, I’d like to wish all those celebrating the festival of Holi, and also St. Patrick’s Day, a very happy, colourful, fun-filled (and if it’s your thing, an intoxicating πŸ˜‰ ) one. Be well, be safe, and have a blast!

Lots of love,

Anne

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32 thoughts on “The Fallen

  1. OMG Anne I m really ROFLing at da moment. … first when I read what the emailer told u I was just so out of my mind n I so wanted to punch tht person. Then I went on reading n I was laughing.

    I also fell, very hard and
    very fast for the male lead in the
    show. When that happened, it felt like I
    was falling from a great height. It also
    felt so good, I wanted to climb back up
    and fall again and again and again. I
    wanted to have a multiple orgasm fall
    for this gorgeous piece of male
    perfection.

    THIS PIECE MADE ME LAUGH harder…. u r one of a kind n I know u know dat Anne … Just awesome…. ah so u r not glnna tell which serial n I m sure u won’t even if I made a puppy face know it so m not trying. Your communication with ur daughter was so cute who told u I found out ur lie won’t save ur father n then is he in trouble now lolzzz sho cute! and as usual the part of him n u was again awesome. ..

    Him: I’m not smiling because your
    sentiment pleases me.

    lol

    Omg u said dat omg πŸ˜€ seriously Anne hehehe love u for what u r!

    hugs n love
    xxx

    P S I still think the emailer is an ass-hole jerk.

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  2. Hehehe…… sometimes it feels really good being a bitch. And as always you made me laugh so much with this update tht my sides hurt.

    Thanks for the post really need one specially on Mondays.

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  3. My God Anne! That was a blast! I loved it! And believe me, you are awesome human being….it isn’t a flattery or praise…sometimes you got to give back to people just like you did……Actually the world needs more women like you…I loved this post to bits…seriously from crawling under table to loyalty to dad to she is just 9 years and the conversation with hubby….Oh my! I had to hold my stomach from hurting after a good laugh…and I thought I am done with laughter when I read the bookstore incident..Thanks for sharing these real moments…I know what you felt that moment might not be funny but sharing it with us, you truly made those moments funny with your sarcastic sense of humor!

    Happy Holi to you too! πŸ™‚

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  4. I am at work , slogging when I should be curled up somewhere and reading you. But a cheat break and I am laughing so loud that sure people are giving me the evil stare. This was epic !! I cannot even tell you how entertaining all this was. Mr awesome and you are perfection.

    Loads of love and hugs to you all!! Stay blessed!

    And plz share the trashy tv list. Have you seen the Bachelor series?

    Happy Holi and all the happiness!!

    Email – Anne is awesome, deal with it!!

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  5. LOL.. My son throws my husband under the bus right away when I start the interrogation, but would guard me at any cost if he is being questioned by his dad.. πŸ˜€
    I’m not smiling because your sentiment pleases me. -Aww… That’s the cutest thing..:)
    and I’m ROFL after reading the encounter in the bookstore..

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  6. You sound so adorable and funny. And I have a feeling you wouldn’t like the description all that much.
    Anne I recently read a story in the “Chicken Soup for the Soul Series” titled “Mom is crazy” or something like that. For some weird reason that crazy funny and cool as a cat mom in the story reminded me of you. My picture of you in my head closely resembled that. πŸ™‚

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  7. Smiling away as i read it twice:)
    You crack me up Anne. I can so relate to the mother daughter talk!
    As for you not revealing the name of the show or the lead, well, I WISH YOU WOULD! there i said it….

    Happy Holi to all celebrating and Happt St. Patricks day!

    Like

  8. I just love your posts – they are so uplifting on a dull day!!! As I mentioned before love the relationship you share with your other half!
    Happy writing!!! Thanks for brightening the day!

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  9. *stops and starts snickering with muffled laughs*

    You had me at the height of your heels!!

    * smirking like hell*

    M gonna LOVE THIS post

    Mmmmmmmuwah!

    Like

  10. πŸ™‚ πŸ˜€ you made me smile…. and the lady at the book store… so ignorant… lol but this post was just what i needed as a break from the stress πŸ™‚ Happy Holi everyone

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  11. oh that was a blast, anne – what a wonderful way to give back –
    this world needs more people like you.
    thx for this post

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  12. Oh oh I luurrrve being a bitch. I revel in it…occasionally of course, so the halo doesn’t get too tarnished πŸ˜‰
    The mother daughter conversation reminded me of the time when my then 7-year-old daughter said her 4-year-old brother shouldn’t play with boy X from the neighborhood because he used a word that was so bad she couldn’t possibly repeat it, but she could spell it…A.S.O.L

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  13. Although I’m quite late at commenting but man thank you.
    It’s made me laugh after having some weird day 😳

    Awwn you and your husband share this beautiful bond. Sooo cuteeee
    Btw that book store incident was hilarious. You know it sort of reminds me of my inner voices. You know at times when you have this evil urge inside you but you end up not listening to it?
    But really thank you Annie

    Keep smiling :)😘

    Like

  14. Its been a tiring week, your post made me smile & feel rejuvenated for the weekend! You are witty, & you use it effectively to liven stray anecdotes. You were wicked at that store, but it must have been sweet, that feeling!

    Like

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