Love and Marriage

Many people talk about what marriage is and isn’t. We see and hear about it from relationship gurus and television talk show hosts, to magazine advice columnists, parents, spiritual guides, and even self-proclaimed experts in the field.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is a piece of cake. Marriage has its ups and downs. It is bliss in a bottle. It’s all about communication, sacrifice, compromise. Two halves becoming one. In sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do us part.

Forever and ever. Amen.

Or, whatever.

Weddings seem to have more or less defined the month of February this year, all around me at least. And, there was quite a bit of the above talk happening in and around these events. Of course, that may or may not have caused the huz to right up front threaten to gag me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut and not enter said conversations with guns blazing.

He’s so freaking mean! What-does-he-mean-it-will-ruin-their-fun? What about my fun?

I have to admit that I did (eventually) kind of sit back and observe most of the in-depth analysis and advice with some fascination (and pepperings of cynicism, because, well I can never just not). But, all of it got me thinking that there is a lot of crazy stuff being said to newlyweds (as always) and also to those “of marriageable age” (naturally) by a lot of people (some married, and even not.)

This weekend my husband and I are about to complete ten years in this institution called marriage. Not really a big deal to the ones past the fifteen and twenty year marks, but it’s not a small number to have achieved either. A decade, people! That’s something. So, I feel it’s time I chimed in on the “is and is nots” of the whole marriage thing. (I’ll bet you’re wishing he hadn’t threatened the gagging, am I right? Well, too bad. He did, and here I am. With my guns.)

So, if all the old dinos here could now please take their seniority, superiority, and amused snorting to the back row please, I’ll have the soapbox. – Thank you.

On our first wedding anniversary I remember saying to the huz that we’d both be lucky if we ever made it to our fourth (together). His only response was a shit-eating grin, and telling me I was too optimistic, because he was giving us two years, tops.

So, when (and with all that immeasurable amount of confidence in our relationship) we hit five years of marital bliss, we almost fainted.

Note: If you don’t hear from me after Friday, you’ll know a decade worth of rising shock finally got the better of me and took my life.

In the last ten years the two of us have learned a lot about what marriage is, and what it isn’t. We’ve learned it the easy way, and at times so hard it’s almost broken us. But, one thing is for certain, it isn’t what many say it is, and it definitely isn’t what plenty say it is not.

Marriage is Hard

Not so. It’s a process. The hard part comes in when two people don’t fit together in the first place but jump into marriage anyway. If your relationship pre-marriage is not smooth, if two individuals are not compatible, don’t know squat about the other, don’t share the same goals, aren’t on the same page as far as the fundamentals go, chances are your marriage will fail or be very hard to handle. Which brings me to…

Marriage is a Solution

Crap! Marriage is not going to fix you up any more than a bandaid will fix a second-degree burn. Marriage will not heal damaged individuals, or rocky relationships. If you or your partner have excess emotional baggage, a ring on your finger won’t miraculously cure you of your problems. If your mother-in-law/sister-in-law is a bitch before you marry your mate, they won’t turn over new leaves because you exchanged some vows with the son of their home. If your sex life was lacking before and you didn’t enjoy it, I’m sorry but a walk down the aisle will not refresh and revive it. Marriage is two people wanting to be together, and that is the extent of it. Nothing more.

Marriage is Security/A Guarantee

Here’s a newsflash. When you marry someone there is no warranty which comes with them, and definitely no guarantees that your castle in the air will stay afloat. Once the confetti and rice have been swept away, the after wedding dinners all attended and done with, there is no guarantee your partner will not turn into someone who could very well screw up your life. There is no guarantee he/she will be a constant source of support, will fill that void you always dreamed someone would, love you unconditionally, respect you as an individual, stop being a daddy’s girl/mamma’s boy, or be an amazing parent.

For Better or for Worse

Does not mean a blind acceptance of your partner’s “worst” because you made the vow, or were told it’s your duty to accept them flaws and all. It’s about both striving to be better. It’s about having the courage to stand your ground, look them in the eye and tell them their worst is causing hurt, bitterness and resentment and that’s not going to cut it. That they can be better, and need to be better so you both can carry on. It is honest acceptance of your worst if they tell you it’s not good enough for them. It is about trying harder, moving forward, not being a doormat and not treating them like one either.

Marriage Fills a Void

If you’re a half as an adult, you’re incomplete. And, no individual is ever going to “complete you.” That, my friends is a myth concocted by script writers and directors who knew a marketable line when they saw one. If you have to depend on another person to complete you, then you have issues. If they’re in it for the same reason, recommend a good therapist and turn down the damn proposal. An excess of emotional dependency can kill the best of relationships, and marriage is one of them.

Their Needs Come First

No. Hell no.

I am not advocating being self-absorbed and selfish, but every individual’s needs matter. Equally. This is not about setting aside your needs and playing nursemaid to another’s to the exclusion of all else, it is not about suffering in silence because you’re afraid to rock the boat, it is not about losing yourself so your partner can gain, or the other way around. It is not about waiting your turn, or forcing them to wait for theirs, it’s not about lying flat on your back with them on top all of the time because hey, it’s the only way your partner prefers it.

That’s not what marriage is about. It’s a lot of give and equal taking, or it isn’t a marriage.

Marriage is a Gamble

Truth. It’s a risk two people take together, with nothing but dedication and trust to help them along. It’s team effort. Every.single.day.

Happily Ever After

Shoot me now!

People makes mistakes and marriage can be one of them. It doesn’t lessen one’s worth. What actually lessens it is staying within the confines of a failed marriage, or with someone who you just cannot be with. It is fine to leave, to walk out, even run without looking back. It is not about sitting and waiting for the sequence to play out like it did on a favourite TV show, or like that beautiful Romance novel you just read. When it’s over, it’s over. But, if it’s not so bad and you stay, then clear the air and move forward. Don’t take the bullshit into the future, and don’t sweep it under the rug. It’s not worth it.

Ten years can teach two people alot, and it certainly did that with my husband and myself. Much more than we ever thought it could.

It taught us the importance of individual responsibility in a relationship, and how not to pass the buck. Early on it taught us the folly in believing that marriage is just a matter of dream + plans = success. It showed us that fun moments pop up in monotony, arguments can end in rolling on the floor laughter, dirty socks never go away, and that there is no reason to deny your partner respect even in a raging fight.

It taught us (and not a little brutally) how some bonds can and do break, but stronger ones can be formed, how children turn your world upside down and there is no going back after that, how weathering storms is par for the course, and then fixing your damaged boat should be done with the good, solid stuff and not quick fix cliches.

It also taught us that there’s plenty more for us to learn in the years ahead, lots more room for growth and change within ourselves as individuals, and together as a couple.

Most of all it has taught us that happiness doesn’t fall out of the sky, or stay constant just because there is love. It is a choice you have to make together and stay committed to seeing through. And, when you do, it can only be achieved through perseverance.

Only then, is the love you share absolute. Otherwise, it’s all just fantasy.

Thank you for stopping by today, and I hope you all are having a great week.

~*~

My husband has always had a song which he says reminds him of me, and because we’re always so “equal” about things, I have also had one for a long time which reminds me of him. So, if you like, you can listen to them both and try not to gag when you do, because sometimes we’re ridiculously mushy people.

Song 1Song 2

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28 Replies to “Love and Marriage”

  1. First congrats to reaching a decade in your marriage. Mine turned nine this January and I agree with what you wrote on the topic of marriage. It takes two to play tango.

    Just a couple of weeks a go a very close person to my heart told my cousin who is dreaming of getting married to a rich man no matter his flows, at first we were all shocked at what she said. So the close person said one sentence that described marriage life. “Marriage is like a plant, and both parters have to water it for it to grow into a beautiful flower”.

    Thanks for sharing this Anne and educating all of us who are already in it and for those abt to get into it.

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  2. Marriage .. sigh
    every girls dream……I can not say much about people being in love and then getting married or finding a soul mate and then marrying him/her. I had an arranged marriage and mind you it was arranged to a guy whom my parents knew since he was 6 years old but I had NEVER met him , well till the day we got engaged and lucky me after the engagement we were only allowed to talk on AOL chat. Yeah, kill me! I was married 12 years ago and not in the ancient times , but this did happen.

    Coming into a house you have no clue about and to top it all a joint family……..

    But the thing that helps is how you and your spouse manage, to me the rest of the family can go to hell.

    I remember when i was younger my Nani used to always say
    Bachi, Qabar ka haal tu sirf murdah jantaa hai
    (girl,only the dead knows what it’s like in the grave)

    So no matter how long you have known someone, you find out more the day you start living together,and then for better or worse or not you work things out.

    Once you have kids , that is when the real life starts and i totally agree with you Anne:

    It also taught us that there’s plenty more for us to learn in the years ahead, lots more room for growth and change within ourselves as individuals, and together as a couple.

    Most of all it has taught us that happiness doesn’t fall out of the sky, or stay constant just because there is love. It is a choice you have to make together and stay committed to seeing through. And, when you do, it can only be achieved through perseverance.

    Only then, is the love you share absolute. Otherwise, it’s all just fantasy.

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    1. “Most of all it has taught us that happiness doesn’t fall out of the sky, or stay constant just because there is love. It is a choice you have to make together and stay committed to seeing through. And, when you do, it can only be achieved through perseverance.”
      – Loved how you put the absolute truth of marriage in such a concise little paragraph … 🙂

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  3. It’s a truth universally acknowledged that once you hit the 20s everyone and their mothers and aunts are ready to diss the marriage advice. Some call it the ladoo while for others it is finality. There is no shortage of labels or the definition.

    i cannot for the love of Austen can tell you how grateful I am for writing this. This is the truth. I like equal, respect and together.

    Marriage is gotta be hard , for there is a chance the other will call BS on your shit or vice-versa. the constant clash of opinions and the occasional compromises.

    I personally won’t expect the moon or the Chopard for my after-marriage .Should it not more be of acceptance than expectations.

    I like the “better or worse” explanation. For even if I love too much but that “he” comes with a constant pain and hurt , sorry I am too independent and too weak to stand by all that. You either be responsible enough for yourself , try to overcome the demons or sign up that piece of paper for me.

    ” If you’re a half as an adult, you’re incomplete. And, no individual is ever going to “complete you.” ————- This is it!! Underlined in my head.

    I am too selfish to give my needs for the other one unless there is a valid reason and some indirect advantage for yours truly. Establishing the turns and acknowledging the presence of two is most important.

    Happily ever after.

    Anne, big big cheer for hitting number 10 in that institution called marriage. Go have a wild “rest of the week” even if there is dirty socks around. Soo happy and thank you for penning this down. its a list I will run down when I decide to marry and after.

    And awwwwwwwww at your Mister, you guys are beyond cute ( and don’t cringe at the word cute). You are that . Songs – love.

    Thank you for being so awesome and hugs for this happiness!!

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  4. Anne,
    I think I have told you before that I love your 8 o’clock thoughts. Let me thank you first, for writing this post – I know it wasn’t easy to reflect on the past 10 years and write down your thoughts. But you did share what you learnt, in turn, educating people like me where my thoughts have to be rectified and where I will be going if keep stupid fantasies of married life. While it was interesting to read, it did make me think too.
    A decade is of course some accomplishment! Congratulations to both of you for the success!
    This is what I love about you Anne – this attitude – I simply admire this confident attitude of yours –“So, if all the old dinos here could now please take their seniority, superiority, and amused snorting to the back row please, I’ll have the soapbox. – Thank you”.
    “On our first wedding anniversary I remember saying to the huz that we’d both be lucky if we ever made it to our fourth (together). His only response was a shit-eating grin, and telling me I was too optimistic, because he was giving us two years, tops. So, when (and with all that immeasurable amount of confidence in our relationship) we hit five years of marital bliss, we almost fainted”. —- Once again, I feel great admiration to your hubby! From your writings I have found him very cool and real. I don’t know whether you have heard about “Yashodara Lal” – author of “Just married, Please excuse”. In that book, Y has mentioned about her hubby Vijay “V”. It was a hilarious book in which she shared about her life – how she was proposed by V, how they began they married life, how V put up with her pregnancy tantrums. Oh btw, she too has twins like you. Elder one is a daughter – peanut, then she has twin boys – pappad and Pickle. Oh yes, now that I think, Y and you has lot of similarities – main one- same attitude – funny and sarcastic way of blogging and speaking of things you feel. I am posting her blog link here – http://www.**%^&l.com/

    Some of the thoughts which touch a chord with me are – Marriage is a Solution Crap! Marriage is not going to fix you up any more than a bandaid will fix a second-degree burn (True). Marriage will not heal damaged individuals, or rocky relationships. If you or your partner have excess emotional baggage, a ring on your finger won’t miraculously cure you of your problems (You are Right). If your sex life was lacking before and you didn’t enjoy it, I’m sorry but a walk down the aisle will not refresh and revive it (Thanks).
    If you have to depend on another person to complete you, then you have issues. If they’re in it for the same reason, recommend a good therapist and turn down the damn proposal. An excess of emotional dependency can kill the best of relationships, and marriage is one of them.(Very rightly said)
    People makes mistakes and marriage can be one of them. It doesn’t lessen one’s worth. What actually lessens it is staying within the confines of a failed marriage, or with someone who you just cannot be with. It is fine to leave, to walk out, even run without looking back. It is not about sitting and waiting for the sequence to play out like it did on a favourite TV show, or like that beautiful Romance novel you just read. When it’s over, it’s over. But, if it’s not so bad and you stay, then clear the air and move forward. Don’t take the bullshit into the future, and don’t sweep it under the rug. It’s not worth it. —- I loved this bit of advice..It is advisable not only in marriage, in all relationships! Even if it is hard to move out and move on, later it would be good..definitely it would be good!

    Some of the thoughts which taught me something are – Marriage is two people wanting to be together, and that is the extent of it. Nothing more.
    Once the confetti and rice have been swept away, the after wedding dinners all attended and done with, there is no guarantee your partner will not turn into someone who could very well screw up your life.
    It is about trying harder, moving forward, not being a doormat and not treating them like one either (Loved this thought and I am sure this is an important lesson).
    That’s not what marriage is about. It’s a lot of give and equal taking, or it isn’t a marriage.

    Some of the thoughts which are going to be useful for me in future are -Marriage is Hard Not so. It’s a process. When you marry someone there is no warranty which comes with them, and definitely no guarantees that your castle in the air will stay afloat. There is no guarantee he/she will be a constant source of support, will fill that void you always dreamed someone would, love you unconditionally, respect you as an individual, stop being a daddy’s girl/mamma’s boy, or be an amazing parent.
    It’s about both striving to be better. It’s about having the courage to stand your ground, look them in the eye and tell them their worst is causing hurt, bitterness and resentment and that’s not going to cut it. That they can be better, and need to be better so you both can carry on. It is honest acceptance of your worst if they tell you it’s not good enough for them. (I am definitely going to do this..Thank you!)
    I am not advocating being self-absorbed and selfish, but every individual’s needs matter. Equally. (Absolutely right! But we tend to forget this and go on trying to please others or take care of others- something which I tend to do a lot – putting others in front of my priorities and later be stabbed for it. But it got to change. Like you said – every one’s needs matter equally- Nicely phrased Anne! ,
    Marriage is a Gamble
    Truth. It’s a risk two people take together, with nothing but dedication and trust to help them along. It’s team effort. Every.single.day. — Again I loved this bit of advice. Marriage is a risk, a gamble – I have heard it from many before. Loved the way you told it – team effort! Indeed it is
    Happily Ever After Shoot me now! (ROFL) Do you know sometimes your dramaqueen expression comes out in your words? I love it – why? Because I am a drama queen myself!

    Lessons from your 10 years of wife role is an eye-opener for me, I want to say something more but can’t find words to express. At times, marriage scares me thinking of all this which would follow – the individual responsibilities, children, arguments, unexpected twists and turns of life. I honestly don’t think I will be ever ready for all that. Tearing down everything is easy but building and reinforcing relationship is the toughest part and there are no shortcuts for it.
    Most of all it has taught us that happiness doesn’t fall out of the sky (LMAO), or stay constant just because there is love. It is a choice you have to make together and stay committed to seeing through. And, when you do, it can only be achieved through perseverance. — That’s a good piece of advice for dreamy souls like me..Thanks once again Anne. I did gain a lot of perspectives from this one post about life and life together! I am yet to hear the songs. At office now. Sorry for technically breaking down your post and adding my comments and thoughts. It was something which I cherished reading. Hence couldn’t help.

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  5. Congrats on your 10th, Anne.. :).. I think Song1 is very realistic and fits for me and my hubby.. :D).. You think marriage is not hard?..LOL.. I feel it is harder on my hubby than me :D; we have a role reversal from the general husband-wife scenario- he’s the worrier and obsessive planner and I’m the laid back one..
    We celebrated our 10th anniv. last week and here are some highlights from those 10:
    -At the end of the day after the million arguments and hurtful words we hurl at each other, we forget what we fought on. Every. Single. Time.
    -Having a sense of humor helps. Especially the laughing at yourselves kind. (I forgot to wear my wedding ring to church on our anniversary day and debated whether to tell him or not while mass was going on…he noticed me squirming and asked and then just chuckled, winked and said – “Great day to forget it, hon”.. I have to say I was a little worried in the back of my mind about what he’ll think; but then realized, WTH!.. it’s him.. I know him!…and more importantly he knows me…:D)
    -There is no one, not a single soul, in this world who will understand and share the pride and love I have for my son to the same extent as him.
    -Even though we are not big on grand gestures or celebrations, don’t take each other for granted. A random kiss for no reason is always appreciated..:)

    The most important take away I got is – The relationship will remain constantly evolving and there is a lot more striving to be better for each other to come..

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  6. Wow 10 years! Congrats! I loved all the that you said about what people perceive didn’t marriage and what the reality actually is; sometimes we fall under this facade that marriage is either a perfect blissful magical thing or it’s a horrible messed up institute that will leave you all sorts of regretful, but you seem to provide the middle path, which gives hope to some of is single folks! 😛

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  7. aaaah a decade – that’s great – congratulations anne –
    mine was an arranged marriage – it was a hurry burry marriage and I met him just 4 days before the marriage – I was taking a huge risk since I had not even spoken to him before those 4 days prior to my marriage – but by Gods grace, everything is fine and iam slowly progressing into the world called marriage

    I enjoyed reading what u had written – thx for sharing the same with us

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  8. Ah, marriage!
    For the longest time I never understood why do people marry? And honestly, I still dont. I shall find out if and when I do decide or get married. Being the “marriageable age” – isnt helping either.

    You hear all these things about what marriage is like. If you’re from the Indian subcontinent, you’re most likely to live with the in-laws. How horrifying it can be! How after marriage you’re no longer YOU. You become a wife, daughter(in law), mother and a whole lot more yoy didnt bargain for. And from all I’d seen…YOU gets lost in all this.

    So, quite recently when moi trois gen – the nani, the Mummy and the beti watched this Pakistani show called Shere Dawat, it was an eye opener.
    It made me see “marriage” in a better and truer
    Sure I’ve see my own parents, aunty& uncle’s but you still lead a very sheltered life abs dont realise how it can be for others.

    This post was another eye opener of sorts. Sure its about you and your experiences, nevertheless there are true, real!

    I always love your posts, because you do give unbiased views. Realistic ones.
    Given that I don’t quite read many nonfictional blog posts by others that I’m sure would be out there, in abundance. haven’t ventured out to yet. I like to stay in my safe zone, and you’re part of it.
    So for me- YOU ( & some comments by your readers) and this ( & your previous few) blog(s) is a medium of getting some unbiased and pretty educated views of things I’m still not so aware of. Dont underatand. So, for the few minutes that I do spend to read some of the posts…I know I’m getting something out of it, even if as small as a smile at times, or as big as a new perspective of seeing and understanding things/people. I guess when one writes such a platform, you dont necessarily set out to ‘educate’ but you use your words with the knowledge of the power they hold.
    For me, hah, I often wonder if I were to go back to read my comments on the chain series, how immature they’d sound.
    I do feel ive grown as a person, a woman, and you’re one of the people ive to thank for. You’ve inspired me to really think different.

    So, I might not be married but to know about relationships you dont have to be. My past experiences and this = a more aware and less ignorant me, which is good, right?
    Marriage can and will be a lot of things.
    How and what the partner will be like- cant control that now. Im bleep outta love abd luck! but if I can be honest and trust myself, I hope I’d make it through! Takes two to tango after all.

    Thank you for writing and sharing this. 🙂

    Happy anniversary to you both ( in advance)! Wish you both many more decades” of togetherness!

    P.s for some odd reason this just reminded me of a name one your readers had coined for you, munchy and telefanforver- “Hell’s Angels”.
    Hell or no hell, angel for one you are.

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  9. Happy Tenth Anniversary! I like to read your 8 am posts, they give me a new perspective and I find them realistic. I am glad my views on marriage sre not very far from people like you. Best wishes 🙂

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  10. Congratulations Anne!
    Can’t believe my marriage is turning 18 on Friday the 21st!!!
    It has been a rocky road with beautiful scenery along the way….but wouldn’t change it for the world!
    We are both very different people who feel very passionately about different things. So we often have to ‘agree to disagree’. That has worked well for us. We love each other for what we are and are very proud of each other’s strengths. Our 2 boys have taught us a lot of patience and some very valuable life lessons. We are surely better people because of them.
    Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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  11. happy anniversary and the 10th one is something to celebrate

    if only i had read this 8 years ago

    i agree with what you said marriage needs to be worked on sadly today divorces are more common

    my husband has asked me to ask you if he needs to get rid of me can you please advise him lilllll

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  12. Congratulations on a milestone Anniversary.

    The funny thing about marriages is that each one is unique, kind of like a thumbprint. It is the two individuals who meld together to make a unique DNA of what the resulting relationship is. Some are good and some are not so good. In each successful marriage, there is one thing the partner finds in the other one that binds them to that person.

    For me it was the sheer acceptance. This person accepted me as I am without trying to change me….without any questions, comments or criticisms for who I am, thus forcing me to become a better person in reciprocation.

    He has given up his side of the bed so I can be more comfortable after shoulder surgery that will take some months to recover from. He cooks, feeds me as needed, massages my shoulder with vile smelling oil and gives me my medicines and offers to wash my hair. Lol …his mother would not recognize him…this is not the son she raised but he is the husband I have.

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  13. X) Heartiest congratulations to you and your husband! Masha Allah!! You both must really love eachother =D =PP
    Sooo very happy for youu!! I wish you a smooth marriage rest of lives with lots n pots of lovin’ n your kids to move out soon ;P
    I am so very glad n grateful for this post!! I won’t go rambling about myself now cuz it’s your weeekk n your time!! Yaaaaaaaayyy!!!
    Wish you celebrate it fully n unreservedly ;P
    Marriage is two people wanting to be together, and that is the extent of it. Nothing more. (X
    Thank you for this.. I have been confused and reluctant.. Can’t believe it was this simple and easy.. or maybe I did but you saying it has made it easier for me to believe completely n absolutely (: Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!
    Mwah!

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  14. first of all congratulations on completing 10 years of marriage no doubt its a long time n I congratulate u for completing it with its best moments n flaws some couples fail to do so even after spending much more time than urs.

    2ndly thank u for sharing these things with us really marriage is something for which u always need guidance n advice. Though I m not married but I have learnt alot with 2nd or 3rd hand experiences lol. Marriage is a perfect name for balancing ur rules n part of sacrifices. Some times husband needs to bend n other times wide but trust, love n respect is must

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  15. Hi Anne
    Congratulations on your tenth anniversary. God bless!!
    I love reading your posts. They are always so lively and realistic.
    Looking forward to a lot more.

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  16. Okay so this old dino has just woken up and is taking over the soapbox…Oops sorry Anne darling. Did that shove hurt? 🙂

    First, congratulations on your ten years of togetherness. God bless. Muahs.

    Whether it’s 10 years or 24 as in my case, marriage is, as you said, an ongoing process. Even now there are things I’m learning and probably the most important is not to take each other for granted.
    And marriage definitely is not a solution…to ANYTHING. If it were, there would be no divorce.

    But I do disagree with you on the MIL being uhmmm, let’s just call her difficult. 😉 Mine was. Very. Extremely. Probably thought I wasn’t good enough, fancy enough (read too middle class) for her son. I had my share of problems especially living in the same house with her and an unmarried SIL while my new husband spent about 6-9 months out at sea at a stretch. But I hung on and today when she’s critically ill, ironically she turns to me for help before she asks her own kids. Little TV serial-ish I know, but true! 🙂

    For better or worse…absolutely. Openness and honest acceptance of each other’s worst and working on that worst to make it go away.

    Marriage does not fill any bloody void in you. You need to do it on your own, with a career, with kids, with friends, with charitable work. Whatever makes YOU happy. Your emotional health depends on YOU not him/her. I often had young wives tell me “Oh how do you manage without him for so many months? I can’t bear to be apart for even 2 days. I would die!” Well, I had 8 years of practice before marriage and I survived didn’t I? As do millions of other seafarers’ wives.

    Sometimes their needs come first and at others’ it’s our turn. And it’s not a question of women’s rights. It’s just the way it is.

    A guarantee? Come on, even electrical appliances have a limited warranty/guarantee. Phir marriage kya cheez hai?

    Yes, marriage is a gamble and it’s a nerve wracking one some days. But mutual love and trust gets you through it. Every time.

    Happily ever after has to be worked at. Hard. Every single day. Through good times and bad. And yes, a cuddle now and then just for the heck of it. A kiss in passing. A swift press of the hand when driving. And lots and lots of love and laughter go a long way in making that happily ever after an everyday occurrence.

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  17. Happy Anniversary Annie. Mash’Allah I’m really happy for you. May you guys have many more together. Ameen.

    Annie,
    Your such a brilliant writer and I wish I somehow meet you and be friends with you. I love the way you write. Your thoughts are so accurate and it makes sense…. I love the stories you write and I love those 8 o’clock blogs

    Love love love the last paragraph.

    Neahakhan

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  18. Hey Anne… Finally a comment after ages :P… Congrats 10 years wow… May you have many more to come. 🙂 The advice dished out… is great…esp for me who is embarking on this journey soon… its scary… or lets say the nerves have started to slowly kick in… but reading your post helps… and Thanks for making it… 🙂 and hopefully soon I will be commenting more 🙂

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  19. Happy Anniversary! I love the way you speak so realistically – no misconceptions for those who may be embarking on this journey… All too often couples are led to believe that marriage is going to be something it isn’t – it requires commitment and work from both sides.
    Wishing you many more to come!!!

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  20. An obvious bow, confetti throw, and noisemaker blow for crossing that 10 year line hand in hand.

    And thank you for standing up on the soapbox and giving us the view of both generations side by side. Sometimes, you need to hear it from the ones who’ve seen it then and now. Mom’s hunting, and so I get little tidbits of advice everyday …

    “Don’t ever try to talk to your husband about something serious when he’s just gotten home from work, Feed him first.”

    “Don’t let him yell at you in front of his family. Tell him all the arguments take place in the bedroom, as upholding your respect in front of his family is his responsibility.”

    She knows more than me, hands down, both of you do, but like you said, at the end of the day isn’t it a gamble anyway? Especially if it’s an arranged marriage?

    *sigh*

    I wonder who sits the guys down and has these conversations with them.

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  21. Hey congratulations for completing 10yrs of ur marriage… N that too successfully n happily 😉 🙂
    The experience n points u shared about marriage are what i believe in…
    Marriage is coming together of two equal individuals to share a bond of holy matrimony with respect, trust n love for one another…
    Understanding comes with time but intention to understand is what one had to have from the starting…
    Love can blossom with time but respect should be there from starting…
    Lovers or soulmates, we can become with time but friends we need to be from starting…

    (The last few lines are for people in an arranged marriage but are applicable any two individuals starting a relationship)

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  22. well,i’m sort of dinosaur in that matter,this year we will ”survive”to our 20 year of….all your above necessary things to do,or to expect about a life couple.but ,at the end of all ,seams is a balance ,or like Lavoisier’s law of conservation.children,parents,relatives,”what the world will say?!”,habit,the every person strength,…i was in the middle,not happy,but content,and watching myself in the mirror,the real one and the soul one,maybe this was meant to be.i received what i offer.
    Happy belated anniversary!

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