Welcome to the first of a four part Vintage Wife – Marital Test Post Special.
‘Nothing destroys the happiness of married life more than the lazy, slovenly wife.’
When I come across any of those marriage/relationship compatibility quizzes, I usually just roll my eyes and ignore them. However, this morning while browsing through a few links sent to me by a friend, I saw she had put in a little note above one link.
“Anne, if you don’t write about this…!! Please just write about this!!!
Curious now, I clicked on the link and saw it was a Marital Rating Scale from the 1930’s by a Dr. George W. Crane (Ph.D. M.D).
Apparently, at that time this guy conducted a series of interviews with around six hundred husbands and wives about the merits and demerits of their respective spouses. He then added his summarization of “the most frequently voiced flaws and virtues” to a test for married people.
“I’ll take the test.” I decided quite blindly. “How bad can a quiz from the 1930’s be?”
It’s actually a pretty long test, but the link I got was to only one part of it. Anyway, I skimmed through the page and before I reached the end I knew I couldn’t do this alone. There would be no point and no fun to posting just my views on something like this.
So, with itchy fingers I pinged Chani saying “I’m doing a post on a 1930’s marital quiz, but YOU ALSO HAVE TO DO ONE.” – And, I sent her the link.
Now back to the quiz. – For every merit there is one point (unless stated otherwise) and the same goes for the demerits. However, at the end, the demerits are subtracted from the merit points and that is how you get your score.
Simple enough. I started (and here is where you get my answers as I tackle the quiz point by point.)
1. Slow in coming to bed. – Delays till husband is nearly asleep.
Is this a trick question? What are they suggesting? Did women in the 30’s wanting to avoid sex use this as a tactic?
Do I get a point for this then, because if I’m not in the mood “No” seems to work just as well?
Giant roar of “HELL YES YOU FRIGID BITCH” from the bastard chauvinist corner.
2. Doesn’t like children. (5)
Five minus points for not liking children? So, does not liking my own children sometimes count? What about other people’s children? Can I not like them?
Two for this?
3. Fails to sew on buttons and darn socks regularly.
More like never, ever. Because I cannot sew anything OK? Bite me.
4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house.
Did they need a feminist army or what? I don’t even HAVE a goddamned apron, George!
5. Wears red nail polish.
This was a demerit? Are they serious? What ass-backward suppression is this? Oh wait… Now we have mini-skirts to label women as sluts with.
Often late for appointments. (5)
Ha! No score!! (Why did they give this a five?)
6. Seams in hose often crooked.
Do they mean a garden hose? Wait, I have to check this out.
* Clicks open new window to check on Google if this is some kind of joke. *
* Finds this on Google and stares in astonishment. *
OK, so I’m feeling a mild chill of fear run up my spine now, everyone. But, I am going through with this test.
Just watch me.
7. Goes to bed with curlers on her hair, and much face cream.
* face palm *
Excuse me, but where is the canned sitcom laughter when you need it?
I did not need to Google this, but I did anyway.
Let’s be honest. Shit ads like this exist even today. Maintain fairness, maintain healthy relationship.
But, zero points for both those.
8. Puts her cold feet on husband’s at night to warm them.
9. Is a backseat driver.
I do it from the front seat, bitches! – And, I’ll happily take that one point. Thanks.
10. Flirts with other men at parties or in restaurants. (5)
I’m disappointed. I thought this would be minus everything, and an instant appointment for public stoning.
I’m not taking any points for this stupid question since the dickass hasn’t defined flirting.
11. Is suspicious and jealous.
“Oh no, no, no! You just carry on smiling soooo widely at that pretty lady batting her eyes at you, honey. And, I’ll just run on home and bake you an apple crumble for when you’re all done.”
Said no wife ever!
Score: 9 points.
I don’t see anything good coming of this. But, a quitter I’m not, George!
1. A good hostess, even to unexpected guests.
A lady in the living room, a whore in the bedroom. Ahh the joys of womanhood!
No? Just one? WTF George?
2. Has meals on time.
I have my meals when I’m ready! – Oh wait. They mean…
I’m so failing this wretched test.
I’m a good cook, but meals are not always “on time” and all that rubbish. Besides, early on in my marriage we may have had one or two of these moments…
3. Can carry on an interesting conversation.
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
4. Can play a musical instrument, such as piano, violin etc.
No. But, I can get the pants off a man at strip poker. Does that count, asshole?
Gimme my point.
5. Dresses for breakfast.
Because, I don’t have a morning dress that looks like this.
6. Neat housekeeper. Tidy and clean.
Unless you haven’t noticed, I’m running out of words.
But, since I have OCD, I’ll take the point.
7. Personally puts children to bed.
Except on weekends. Which, I suspect would NOT be OK with George. But, screw him, one more point for me.
8. Never goes to bed angry. Always makes up first. (5)
Unless you haven’t noticed, I’m running out of the ability to type.
9. Asks husband’s opinion regarding important decisions and purchases.
Back after a twenty minute break (and lot’s of breathing into a paper bag.)
10. Good sense of humour. Jolly and gay.
Well, I can make my husband laugh, so…
11. Religious. Sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself. (10)
Ten points for God? Shouldn’t God deserve about a billion, trillion, zillion points?
I give my kids the option to go to church with grandma, and I’m taking five points for that.
12. Let’s husband sleep late on Sundays and holidays.
Hahahahaha. Hahahhahahahahahahah. While I take the kids to Sunday school I suppose? Hahhahahhaa Oh George, you’re such a one inch penis.
Score: 11 points. (Correct me if I’m wrong because all this WTFing has definitely damaged my brain cells.)
11 – 9 = 2
So, according to the test I’m a very poor failure.
As opposed to being b) Poor. c) Average. d) Superior. e) Very Superior.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go flog myself for the next hour and maybe try to repent by attempting to get dinner ready on time today.
I’ll be back soon for the second part of this test. The results of my husband’s merits and demerits.
Also, stay tuned for posts coming soon from Chani under the same title.