Vintage Wife (Part One)

Welcome to the first of a four part Vintage WifeMarital Test Post Special.

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Nothing destroys the happiness of married life more than the lazy, slovenly wife.’

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When I come across any of those marriage/relationship compatibility quizzes, I usually just roll my eyes and ignore them. However, this morning while browsing through a few links sent to me by a friend, I saw she had put in a little note above one link.

Anne, if you don’t write about this…!! Please just write about this!!!

Curious now, I clicked on the link and saw it was a Marital Rating Scale from the 1930’s by a Dr. George W. Crane (Ph.D. M.D).

Apparently, at that time this guy conducted a series of interviews with around six hundred husbands and wives about the merits and demerits of their respective spouses. He then added his summarization of “the most frequently voiced flaws and virtues” to a test for married people.

I’ll take the test.” I decided quite blindly. “How bad can a quiz from the 1930’s be?”

It’s actually a pretty long test, but the link I got was to only one part of it. Anyway, I skimmed through the page and before I reached the end I knew I couldn’t do this alone. There would be no point and no fun to posting just my views on something like this.

So, with itchy fingers I pinged Chani saying “I’m doing a post on a 1930’s marital quiz, but YOU ALSO HAVE TO DO ONE.” – And, I sent her the link.

She agreed.

Now back to the quiz. – For every merit there is one point (unless stated otherwise) and the same goes for the demerits. However, at the end, the demerits are subtracted from the merit points and that is how you get your score.

Simple enough. I started (and here is where you get my answers as I tackle the quiz point by point.)

DEMERITS

1. Slow in coming to bed. – Delays till husband is nearly asleep.

Is this a trick question? What are they suggesting? Did women in the 30’s wanting to avoid sex use this as a tactic?

Do I get a point for this then, because if I’m not in the mood “No” seems to work just as well?

Giant roar of “HELL YES YOU FRIGID BITCH” from the bastard chauvinist corner.

One point.

2. Doesn’t like children. (5)

Wait.

Five minus points for not liking children? So, does not liking my own children sometimes count? What about other people’s children? Can I not like them?

Two for this?

3. Fails to sew on buttons and darn socks regularly.

Hahhahaha What?

More like never, ever. Because I cannot sew anything OK? Bite me.

One point.

4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house.

Did they need a feminist army or what? I don’t even HAVE a goddamned apron, George!

One point.

5. Wears red nail polish.

This was a demerit? Are they serious? What ass-backward suppression is this? Oh wait… Now we have mini-skirts to label women as sluts with.

One point.

Often late for appointments. (5)

Ha! No score!! (Why did they give this a five?)

6. Seams in hose often crooked.

Huh?

Do they mean a garden hose? Wait, I have to check this out.

* Clicks open new window to check on Google if this is some kind of joke. *

* Finds this on Google and stares in astonishment. *

wifestockings

It.is.no.joke.

OK, so I’m feeling a mild chill of fear run up my spine now, everyone. But, I am going through with this test.

Just watch me.

7. Goes to bed with curlers on her hair, and much face cream.

* face palm *

Excuse me, but where is the canned sitcom laughter when you need it?

I did not need to Google this, but I did anyway.

BIG mistake!

palmolive2-1938-duke-pk-100208

Let’s be honest. Shit ads like this exist even today. Maintain fairness, maintain healthy relationship.

But, zero points for both those.

Yay??

8. Puts her cold feet on husband’s at night to warm them.

Dammit!

One point.

9. Is a backseat driver.

I do it from the front seat, bitches! – And, I’ll happily take that one point. Thanks.

10. Flirts with other men at parties or in restaurants. (5)

I’m disappointed. I thought this would be minus everything, and an instant appointment for public stoning.

I’m not taking any points for this stupid question since the dickass hasn’t defined flirting.

11. Is suspicious and jealous.

Oh no, no, no! You just carry on smiling soooo widely at that pretty lady batting her eyes at you, honey. And, I’ll just run on home and bake you an apple crumble for when you’re all done.”

Said no wife ever!

One point.

Score: 9 points.

I don’t see anything good coming of this. But, a quitter I’m not, George!

MERITS

1. A good hostess, even to unexpected guests.

A lady in the living room, a whore in the bedroom. Ahh the joys of womanhood!

Ten points!!

No? Just one? WTF George?

2. Has meals on time.

I have my meals when I’m ready! – Oh wait. They mean…

wifefood

I’m so failing this wretched test.

I’m a good cook, but meals are not always “on time” and all that rubbish. Besides, early on in my marriage we may have had one or two of these moments…

wifebeer

3. Can carry on an interesting conversation.

You have got to be fucking kidding me!

4. Can play a musical instrument, such as piano, violin etc.

No. But, I can get the pants off a man at strip poker. Does that count, asshole?

Gimme my point.

5. Dresses for breakfast.

I.am.going.to.kill.someone.

Because, I don’t have a morning dress that looks like this.

wifebreakfast

6. Neat housekeeper. Tidy and clean.

wifework

Unless you haven’t noticed, I’m running out of words.

But, since I have OCD, I’ll take the point.

7. Personally puts children to bed.

Except on weekends. Which, I suspect would NOT be OK with George. But, screw him, one more point for me.

8. Never goes to bed angry. Always makes up first. (5)

Unless you haven’t noticed, I’m running out of the ability to type.

9. Asks husband’s opinion regarding important decisions and purchases.

I just…

I cannot…

I.just.cannot.

Back after a twenty minute break (and lot’s of breathing into a paper bag.)

10. Good sense of humour. Jolly and gay. 

Well, I can make my husband laugh, so…

Score! Sucker!

11. Religious. Sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself. (10)

Ten points for God? Shouldn’t God deserve about a billion, trillion, zillion points?

I give my kids the option to go to church with grandma, and I’m taking five points for that.

12. Let’s husband sleep late on Sundays and holidays.

Hahahahaha. Hahahhahahahahahahah. While I take the kids to Sunday school I suppose? Hahhahahhaa Oh George, you’re such a one inch penis.

Score: 11 points. (Correct me if I’m wrong because all this WTFing has definitely damaged my brain cells.)

11 – 9 = 2

So, according to the test I’m a very poor failure.

As opposed to being b) Poor. c) Average. d) Superior. e) Very Superior.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go flog myself for the next hour and maybe try to repent by attempting to get dinner ready on time today.

I’ll be back soon for the second part of this test. The results of my husband’s merits and demerits.

Also, stay tuned for posts coming soon from Chani under the same title.

Much love,
Anne

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34 thoughts on “Vintage Wife (Part One)

  1. Anne, am laughing my ass off here woman!
    I am shocked to read this darn quiz and amazed to see you actually googled and found those ads!

    I would be a 1 if i took that quiz and boy o boy if I had my hubby take it i guess we would be a total failure.

    but then it was the 1930’s , those poor people had no clue,or did they?

    waiting to read Chani’s now ….

    And am planning on making my hubby take this quiz 🙂 will email you his result 🙂

    Like

  2. Interesting set of question designed for a different time period and life. It’s so outdated questions but I enjoyed your reactions to each questions Anne..I wonder how a Marital Rating Scale in 2014 would be like. I was actually checking whether something like that is available.

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  3. Scent of Slave-mance.

    Sent George of the jungle’s quiz to my mom, thinking it would give her a good laugh.
    “Are you trying to tell me I’m a bad mom and wife?”
    “Mama, it’s a quiz from the 30s”
    …no reply.
    Her co-worker messages me “There are some very angry ladies at the office today taking a quiz. BPs are running high…;)”

    Mom’s reply: “I failed 🙂 🙂 :). Your turn in the kitchen tonight FYI”

    Bahaha. Can’t wait for the other parts!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh dear lord…really???
    I knew There were dark ages….but I think this is beyond dark… And to think that women would look at this would rate themselves…and from the looks of it this going by the ads..this was the general expectation…
    Someone enlighten me how is any of this different from a housekeeper…other than the fact that wives dont even get paid..
    Sex you say?? Pshaw!!!!pfft!!! That is neither here nor there

    BTW…When did the bra burning era start??

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ha ha ha…I am laughing for last two hours since I reas it. Failed with a big F on my test but I asked my mom the same questions, she failed too. Well That made me happy, you know the saying apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…

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  6. much that i enjoyed the rant, this is the sorry state of affairs prevalent in our society. even for working women, their homes/kids/family has to stand first; women cannot have mood swings. they cannot sleep late esp if they live in joint families.
    i have had the ill luck to be married in such a set-up where i was judged at everything i did. nothing i wore was good enough, nothing i cooked was satisfactory; i didnt know how to keep house. and now that im out of that relationship, im judged that im the one at fault.
    but yes, this does make for an entertaining read

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  7. Oh dear, I would fail this soooooo badly,oh the joys of 1930s but I wonder if much has changed since then? This is so fun, I can just picture you while doing this!!

    P.S. I hate work right now, will be back for real soon!! Love , hugs and muah!

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  8. It’s frikking hilarious 🙂 🙂 Who will pass this quiz? Even in 1930s… drat. it’s unbelievable.
    Can’t stop laughing, waiting for Chani’s post!

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  9. Oh bouy this is hilarious . I will end up getting negative 😜. I just wonder what 1930s would be like . But women often are judged in the same manner. Sad but true . There should be a test for husband too , a contemporary husband .

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  10. OMG that was hilarious! That was the most ridiculous quiZ I have ever heard of! Shocking! I’m still finding it so hard to believe! And so many couples took part in it. Anyways looking forward to part 2.

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  11. haha your response to the quiz was damn hilarious
    a fantastic read for me
    waiting for chani’s post
    iam already waiting for the remaining 3 parts

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  12. Omg… Just reading this had me fits of laughter…. they are women like this who still actually exist… lol… I would get minus on this test… and I am not yet married… 😛 Can’t wait for more…

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  13. Anne, this was hilarious woman!
    And you actually googled the test and went through it and even got us to see the ads of those time.

    I am glad you shared this. Thanks for making my morning can’t stop laughing.

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  14. Haha… this was just so hilarious… and thanks for adding the pics after you had goggled… You really have so much patience for the quiz. I was so amazed at the fact that the ‘runs’ part was what I had thought about as well!

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  15. OHHH…it’s hilarious…but I have no clue how to behave as proper wife..I am still unmarried. I asked my bf giving the link whether I am eligible for a vintage-wife..there was no surprise for me as he instantly said,”NO”…

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  16. Haha this is hilarious!! I would definitely be scoring negative! To imagine though that these women were put under these pressures – well done for finding the ads! Looking forward to seeing the next part!!

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  17. OmiGod ! This just downright hilarious !
    And martial test of 1930’s ? Like really ?!
    And your replies left me ROFL !! 😀
    Looking forward to the next fun filled chapter !! And For Chani’s post on this !

    Like

  18. omg first shocker I didn’t get my mail notification 2nd shocker I was not following da blog anymore n not just this ALL of my blogs can u believe it means m no more a part of NtR n won’t get notified when u decides to reopen it if u decide. Now who fucked up my blogs I have no idea. Oh wait I think I remember I loged in for another blog with the password provided by the admin of tht blog (annieAnshra) n my log in n email was same so I guess tht was the issue arghhh…. ok so now coming back to this it was just soooooo hilarious. I m not married yet but I know I would haven’t scored good hell I doubt is there any women who can. I mean what a man chauvinist tht George fellow was or hold on the ads proved tht all of them were….. I m feeling so blessed not to b born in dat era coz I thibk more than wives they needed mistress. But hats off to u I would have closed down the tab fuming fire n had I been married my husband would b in trouble but I m not neither I took da test. Ghoosh the clothe one n apron I was like r u fucking serious. Can’t wait for part two n Channi’s

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  19. Hahahahaaaa I wish I could like this post 100 times. Chauvinistic git!

    But sadly thoughts like this still exist. I came across some advice given by a religious group… A good wife is one who doesn’t argue, doesn’t desire purchases, covers her head, doesn’t work with men, cooks, cleans and so on. I’m paraphrasing it but even thinking about it is getting me angry. God created Women… Not robots!

    Sheesh!

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  20. Are you sure this quiz is from 30s??

    I am fully confident that the questionnaire would remain the same even today.. except, may be some items would change, like you said, miniskirt for red nail polish

    I enjoyed reading it. Really! Thank you for the googled images! Those were really helpful to understand some of the questions!

    And I salute your patience that finally completed your part of the quiz! Looking forward to the next part!

    Like

  21. Oh heck, this is bloody hilarious.
    I’m certainly not a Vintage Wife (yet!), but even my generation draws the line at this…darning socks. F–k. I don’t know of anybody who does that. Not even my mother!
    I hated the years when my mum was struggling with cataracts because that meant I actually had to sew on my own buttons!! 🙂 Pretty traumatic time that! hehehe
    I wonder what George would have to say about “Wants control over the TV remote”?

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  22. I’m laughing my head off thinking….. Really? Like really….. Who came up with stuff like that?! Wait till I tell the hubby about this :). His reaction is going to be priceless!!

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  23. ROFL!!.. I can’t believe you found all these ads from google..I remember seeing some like these in some natgeo books (probably from 60s) my grandfather had in his collection and I used to think WTH!!..but you are right, some of the ads these days are pretty condescending too.. I think a lot of ads I see in US are condescending to men now-a-days..

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  24. :/ Oh my God!! My brain went dead halfway… how did you.. how could you… this was insane… I only ‘liked’ this post to applaud you for having the strength enough to be able to go through this absurd quiz!! Srsly how did you manage… I wanted to pull my hair out!! No lil Georgie’s hair out!! Jerk!!

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  25. OMG, what type of quiz is that…
    Do we have to take this seriously, please tell me not…
    Moreover, i think i dont need to worry about this quiz as of now bcoz i m still a student n there are good a minimum of 6-7 yrs for me to take this idiotic quiz (i’ll take it then for fun n would manipulate it so that i score more than my husband (at that time)…
    Yipee, this would be fun 😉 right )

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  26. You deserve an award to have undergone this test & scoring 2! I could not help laughing out at your reactions!

    We do not have one in India, but I’m sure it will run on similar lines in middle income households…..good cook, good dil, doting mother, consenting wife, neat house, well groomed when hubby dear returns from office, sweet natured, obedient, respectful of husband’s mental & physical abilities, mindful of his self-respect esp in front of others…..the list is endless.

    Like

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